Saturday, November 08, 2003
THIS ONE'S GONNA STING A WHILE
Frank Robinson was hit by a major league pitch 198 times, but none of them hurt as much as the fact that the United States baseball team won't be heading to the Olympics. Robinson managed to Americans to a surprising 2-1 loss to Mexico in the single elimination tournement, and for that the U.S. won't get to defend their title. Anybody who knows anything about Robinson knows that nobody feels worse about this than Robinson.
Luckily, Robinson has Tommy Lasorda to lean on in his hour of need.
"I can't believe it!" said Tom Lasorda, who managed the 2000 U.S. team to the gold in Sydney. "It's a shock and a disgrace that the Americans won't be represented in the Olympics."
"Baseball is America's game," he said. "It doesn't belong to the Japanese or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Italians. This is sad, very sad."
I sure hope Tommy doesn't twist his ankle while meandering down the high road.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
BERRY’S WORLD POLL OF ONE
My current leanings: (Last week's leanings in parenthesis, margin of error 100%)
GENERAL WESLEY CLARK---20 (20)---When the General speaks, I listen.
GOVERNOR HOWARD DEAN---18 (22)---He’s gotta get the confederate flag-wrapped foot out of his mouth.
SENATOR JOHN KERRY---15 (18)---When Senator Kerry talks about his plans, I like him. When he discusses other candidates, I don’t.
SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS---10 (12)---It’s just not happening.
REPRESENTATIVE DICK GEPHARDT---7 (5)---To paraphrase Dennis Miller, Democratic nominee Gephardt would make Walter Mondale look like William The Conqueror.
REPRESENTATIVE DENNIS KUCINICH---5 (10)---Love his views, hate his chances.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON---3 (3)---What are you gonna do when people don’t Tawana vote for you?
SENATOR JOE LIEBERMAN---0 (2)---I wonder if, deep down, Senator Lieberman knows he’s toast?
AMBASSADOR CAROL MOSELEY BRAUN---0 (0)---Quit, Carol, quit!
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
OH, YOU'RE SERIOUS
The Democratic debate revealed the startling news that the Reverend Al Sharpton has never smoked pot.
I have absolutely no reason to not believe him, but, really?!?
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
TOUGHEN UP YOU THIN-SKINNED BASTARDS!
In news that will probably cause deep belly laughs for folks in the eastern part of the country, it has been chilly in Southern California recently. KCAL 9, a local TV station, is reporting on the "November Chill" in breathless tones, and they have even produced a logo to commemorate the cold snap. The usually thick-skinned Matt Welch recently referred to the weather as 'brutally cold by local standards'.
How cold has it been?
The low last night in the San Fernando Valley was 36. That's fahrenheit!
Frankly, you can't walk down the street without somebody saying how cold it is. You know, the winter before I moved back out here from Northeast Ohio, there wasn't one single day in February when the wind chill factor was above ZERO! Now, that was a cold spell.
Monday, November 03, 2003
THIS GOES BEYOND GETTIN' JIGGY WIT IT
The Atlanta Falcons are not pleased with their 1-7 start to the season. In fact, the franchise was so miffed after falling to the depths of 1-6, team owner Arthur M. Blank published the following letter in the Atlanta Journal Constitution:
Dear Falcons Fans:
A 1-6 record so far is not what any of us anticipated at the beginning of the season. We understand the frustration you feel. In fact, everyone at the Falcons organization shares it. We are disappointed – even angry. We know our team is capable of playing better.
Our coaches, our players, our staff, and I collectively share the responsibility for the outcome of this season. We're not giving up. Our goal is the same as yours: to win football games. We have nine more games in this season, and our commitment to you is to work as hard as we possibly can to win every one of them.
I want you to know that I am just as committed to taking this franchise to the heights of NFL success as I have been from the very start. Not just this season, but every season. If anything, I am more committed and determined than ever.
For the last year and a half, you have rallied around the New Atlanta Falcons in a way that exceeded our expectations. Our organization and team need your continued support, and we will do everything we can to maintain it. We need you, our 12th man.
Thank you for being a part of our team. Let's continue to rally together.
Arthur M. Blank
Then, to show how cheesed the team really was, they invited portly rapper Bone Crusher to sing at halftime. Apparently, in an effort to fire up the crowd, Bone Crusher rapped his signature hit Never Scared.
Here are the lyrics to the rap tune played to the, presumably, family filled crowd:
(feat. Killer Mike, T.I.)
[Bone Crusher talking]
Yea! This nigga think we hoez or somethin' my nigga...
Sheeeit, man what the... lemme talk to the mo'fucca
How hard we really mo'fuccin is in this biaaaatch... nah'm sayin?
Fuck nigga... sheit man, ole punk ass kids, we out the club nigga...
That don't mean nuthin nigga! I'm gon fuck this nigga up, my nigga!
Sheeeeit, lemme show this mo'fucca how hard this shit really is!!!
So I'm outside of da club and you think I'm a puuuuuuuunk
So I go to my loaded tech 9 that's off in the truuuuuuuunk
I told that muthafucka
I ain't never scared (eastside!)
I ain't never scared (westside!)
I ain't never scared (southside!)
I ain't never scared (northside!)
I ain't never scared (southside!)
I ain't never scared (eastside!)
I ain't never scared (westside!)
[Verse 1: Bone Crusher]
Let a choppa go PLOOOOOOWWW! to yo melon
Now the plasma is oozin outta yo cerebellum
AttenSHUNNNNN! Fuck nigga, now you swellin
You ain't talkin hardcore, now is ya? Lil' bitch!
Got'em runnin scared of a... BIGGA NIGGA!
Cuz I put the heat to his ummm... HILFIGER!
Now on dat drank and on some of dat dank
Pistols gettin bursted now I need somethin to drank
[Verse 2: Killer Mike]
I got a hot 4 fever, call it bitch Benita
Knock the apple off any bum or the hollow heat seaker
Ran 'cross bitch niggaz, fuck the pint, she take blood by the liter
I'll never leave her, my viscous vixen
On liquor, send dat ass to God quicker
No matter yo religion, you Muslim, Hebrew or Christian
She indiscriminate with punishment, she send'em missin
My gun's my favorite bitch and
And she got permanent PMS so she stay bitchin!
[REPEAT CHORUS w/ ad libs by T.I.]
[Verse 3: T.I.]
Noooooo, I ain't bad, just don't kiss no ass or take shit
And I'm a grown man, find you somebody to play wit
If you'on like me when you see me, betta not say shit
I'll choke yo ass out like Dre did that bitch
You betta tell these pussies they ain't fuckin wit no rookie
I'm a Bankhead nigga, I'll take yo cookiez!
So don't make it a me or you situation
I'll have yo partner down and I'll see you visitation
Like, hope for the best, but I'on think he gon make it
Not the way he was shiverin and shakin on the pavement
I'll tell you wha, if you make it, call'em grace cuz he amazin
Find out these verses wasn't the only thang blazin and
Just when you thought that I was done I was savin the
Best for last, nigga kiss my ass
Like ?? they my folkz, itz best you just let'em be
Cuz I do the shit precincts and them FED's just ain't never see nigga!
[Bone Crusher yelling]
YEA NIGGA! Just break'em off muthafucka!
We the real niggaz! All you hatin' muthafuckaz, underachieverz...
Step back, hoe nigga! Listen closely...
We ain't neva scared of none of you niggaz!
T.I., Bone Crusher, Killer Mike, just break'em off niggaaaaaaaaaaa!
[REPEAT CHORUS 2X]
Sadly, despite the Falcons' straight outta Compton attitude, they lost to Philadelphia, 23-16.
HALLOWEEN PROBLEMS FOR SCOOBIE
Scoobie Davis ran into problems on All Hallows Eve. Namely, he had no candy when the little shavers came to the door. So without any treats, Scoobie was forced to offer up tricks.
Apparently he convinced numerous youngsters that it was vital to invade Iraq.
While several parents have complained, Scoobie did receive a certificate of achievement from Dick Cheney.
ARE KOBE AND SHAQ IN CAHOOTS?
I was speaking with a fellow Lakers fan yesterday, and he mentioned something that was certainly thought provoking. I said that Kobe was almost assuredly leaving after the season, and my evidence was the recent dust-up between the two all-stars. He said that the Kobe-Shaq spat was staged to get the focus off Kobe's legal problems and back on the team.
It sort of makes sense, but it can't be true. Can it?
LET ME SEE IF I HAVE THIS STRAIGHT...
The right wing is all in a lather over the Ronald Reagan mini-series set to air (maybe) on CBS in mid-November because it contains some quotes that President Reagan may not have said, yet had no problem with DC 9/11: Time Of Crisis, which contained some quotes that President Bush surely didn't say?
OK, just checking.
MICHAEL TOTTEN ENDORSES BERRY'S WORLD!
In a gracious move, blogger Michael J. Totten has strongly endorsed Berry's World as 'liberal and inspiring'. Needless to say, the traffic around here has picked up with Mike's heartfelt compliments.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
A COUP FOR CLARK
In a stunning development, General Wesley Clark won the much sought after endorsement of the Calpundit. After the announcement, the candidate was ecstatic.
"Hey, this is special. We've pretty much nailed down the votes of cat-blogging fans everywhere." beamed Clark.
In a related matter, the endorsement of Berrys World has been shopped to all of the major candidates, with no takers thus far. While clearly disappointed, Keith Berry remains upbeat. "We got a sniff from the Moseley-Braun camp, so we still feel that we can be players in the upcoming campaign." said Berry. When asked about negotiations between Berry's World and the Dean campaign, however, Berry was not quite as positive. "The Governor threw a stapler at my head and threatened to have me arrested for trespassing if I came back, so I'm putting him in the 'maybe' column."
WHY THE NFL IS A SCAM
Have you ever watched an game and yelled "They can't do that!", or "Hey, that's against the rules!"
So what do you do?
Well, if you're watching baseball, you can go right to the rulebook.
Basketball? Check the rulebook.
Hockey? Check the rulebook.
Soccer? Check the rulebook.
The NFL? Well, the poor guys of the NFL won't let you see the rules. Not without paying them $15 dollars, that is. Yep, the cash-strapped NFL is the only major sport that doesn't make their rules available online to it's fans. This way this refs can just make things up as they go along, as they do EVERY SUNDAY.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CARNIVORES?
Watching football today, two things dawned on me. First, the usually hilarious commercials for Jack In The Box have become depressingly dull. Second, I miss the Carnivores.
IS THE FIX IN?
Watching the NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and the St. Louis Rams is making me wonder if the refs are on the take.
Exhibit A: The 49ers run the opening kick back for a touchdown although a flag is thrown. The call is clipping on San Francisco. 30 seconds later the refs decide there is no foul, and the touchdown stands.
Exhibit B: The Rams kick off to the 49ers, and recover a fumble inside the 49ers' red zone. An iffy offsides call is made, and this time it stands forcing the Rams to re-kick.
Exhibit C: The 49ers on a 3rd and 4 throw an incomplete pass. 45 minutes later a flag is thrown for roughing the passer. Both Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano disgustedly jeer the officials.
75? 76? WHATEVER...
CBS is honoring itself tonight by airing CBS At 75, a three hour special replete with clips of the best moments in the network's history. I'm not going to watch it mainly because I don't care for clip shows. Seeing a 10 second clip of the episode when Chuckles The Clown was killed by a 'rogue elephant' only makes me yearn to see the whole episode. On the other hand, my dad is very excited to watch the show, but I think that's mainly due to the fact that he enjoys not being the oldest guy in the room.
Besides, this is nothing more than a ratings grab, as evidenced by the fact that CBS is NOT 75. CBS first hit the air on 9-18-27, which would actually make the geriatric network 76.