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Berry's World
Friday, March 26, 2004
 
DOES THE BOSTON HERALD EDITORIAL STAFF READ ITS OWN PAPER?

In yesterday's edition, the Boston Herald reported on Richard Clarke's testimony before the 9-11 Commission:

'Your government failed you, those entrusted with protecting you failed you, and I failed you,' Clarke said. 'We tried hard, but that doesn't matter because we failed.'

In yesterday's edition, the Boston Herald editorialized:

It's too bad Clarke cuts no one in the Bush administration the same slack he so easily cuts himself.

So, Clarke publicly, and under oath, admits his own culpability for failing to stop the 9-11 attacks, yet is chastised for not cutting the Bush administration the same slack he cuts himself?

It's nice to see that the Boston Herald isn't above playing politics concerning the deaths of 3,000 Americans.
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THE HAMSTERS MAY BE IN SOME TROUBLE

On the eve of their 2004 fantasy baseball draft, The Van Nuys Hamsters organization has been rocked with the news that their longtime manager Whitey was arrested Thursday night and charged with solicitation and an act of indecent exposure. Naturally, the feisty Whitey was completely unrepentant.

'I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I thought the cop was a prostitute!' claimed Whitey.

Whitey remains in custody, after failing to raise the $250 bail set by Judge Alan R. Bell. Whitey, the only manager in the three-year history of the Hamsters, has compiled a 37-31 record in the Creeping Alzheimer's League and won the Moron's Division championship in 2002.

However, Whitey is no stranger to controversy. Two years ago, Whitey was suspended for a week after he instructed Hamster relief pitcher John Riedling to hit opposing manager John Hitchcock in the head during the pre-game manager’s meeting, and last year Whitey took an unauthorized and unscheduled vacation to Mexico, missing a month and a half of the season.

Further, Whitey has long feuded with Hamster’s owner Keith Berry. A long-time Republican, Whitey has entertained President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and Fox personality Bill O’Reilly in the Hamster’s clubhouse against the express wishes of Berry. While Berry has attempted fire Whitey on numerous occasions, his 5-year, ironclad contract prevents anyone but Whitey from managing the team.

‘OK, I screwed up allowing Whitey to write his own contract.’ admits a sheepish Berry. ’I just thought we could save some money by not hiring an attorney.’

In addition to Whitey’s extended absence last season (‘I just felt like I needed a break’ says Whitey), Berry was livid that Whitey spent 53% of the Hamster’s payroll on Preston Wilson, Lance Berkman, Curt Schilling, and Randy Johnson. With little money to spend on the remaining positions, the Hamsters limped to a 9-14 finish, missing the playoffs for the first time in team history.

‘Hey, Berry wouldn’t know a base hit from a bong hit. If Johnson and Schilling had simply thrown one no-hitter a week each, we’d have been right there.’ counters Whitey.

Now, with his manager in jail, and the season-opening draft set for tomorrow in Huntington Beach, California, the baseball novice Berry will have to handle the drafting duties himself. While that would seem like a daunting task to most people, Berry remains confident.

‘Don’t you worry about the Hamsters, as we’ll be just fine,’ said Berry, ‘By the way, who’s Don Baylor playing for now?’
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WHAT COULD IT BE?

Lloyd Grove, in a report on the formerly ubiquitous Ashleigh Banfield:

She once showed up for anchor duties at MSNBC's Secaucus studios in New Jersey sporting a T-shirt that shouted, in garish glitter: "Starf--r."

What could the two missing letters be? I can see making a point of mentioning a T-shirt that says "Starf----r", but for the life of me, I can't figure out what "Starf--r" could mean.

UPDATE: An e-mail from Lloyd Grove explains things:

Don't be such a literalist...it's starfucker.

I'd like to publicly apologize to Mr. Grove for being such a literalist.
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
 
MR. SECRETARY, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer:

The only way we dealt with al-Qaida finally was to go into that country, put people on the ground.

Secretary Rumsfeld, didn't you hear about a little unpleasantness in Madrid a fortnight ago?
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YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT THE SAME THING

Matt Drudge finds Senator Kerry's equivalent to President Bush joking about the weapons of mass destruction, or lack thereof:

'Somebody told me the other day that the Secret Service has orders that if George Bush is shot, they're to shoot Quayle,' Kerry joked in 1988. The Massachusetts Democrat then said, 'There isn't any press here, is there?'

Let's see, a 1988 quip concerning a situation where NOBODY died and a 2004 joke about a situation where almost 600 young Americans died. Yeah, they're practically identical.
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I'M NOT SURE THIS WAS WELL THOUGHT OUT

The town of Lincoln, Illinois is pondering building a Statue of Liberty-sized monument of President Abe Lincoln. Naturally, hyperbole is running wild, highlighted by a seemingly sober Rev. S.M. Davis:

If we get the money, I think you'll see it go and I think you'll see it become one of the biggest tourist attractions in America.

Yes, Reverend, it'll really put that DisneyWorld in it's place. Of course, Rev. Davis might not be so drunk with enthusiasm if he wasn't the guy who came up with the idea.

And, what about the money? The proposed monument would be budgeted at $40 million dollars. Or $26,666 for each of the 15,000 residents of Lincoln, Ill.
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WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

As the juror cuts continue, I can't imagine Scott Peterson is all that confidant. Here are some quotes that don't seem to paint Peterson as the most not-guilty of defendants:

His defense at this point is, 'Oh, my God, somebody else must have done it and was trying to set me up ... by dumping the bodies into the general vicinity of where I was' ... I don't think it's ever going to wash.

It's a damning circumstantial case. The man is a sociopath if he did this crime.

I mean, obviously, if he's involved with an affair, if he's lying to somebody else, he's obviously lied to his in-laws and his family ... this guy is a felony cad. I don't think he's ever going to mend those ways. But all that having been said, if he is truly innocent, he's got an awful lot of making up to do, and I don't know that he can ever do it.

Who would say such things about a guy who has not been found guilty of anything yet?

Peterson's attorney, Mark Geragos. Of course, Geragos made these statements before he became Peterson's mouthpiece.
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SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD GIVE HOOTERS A BAD NAME!

Juan M. Aponte, a former manager at Hooters Restaurant, might be in a little bit of trouble. Detectives have found 180 videos of naked and partly naked women on Aponte's computer. The women, ages 17 to 25, were videotaped while changing into Hooters uniforms as part of their job interviews for a Hooters opening in West Covina in April.
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JUST HOW MANY AMERICANS HAVE LOST THEIR LIVES IN IRAQ?

Well, I guess it depends on who you listen to, and what they are counting.

The Tri-Valley Herald rounds the total up:

Nearly 600 American troops have died during the war and occupation.

CNN figures it this way:

There have been 589 U.S. forces killed since the Iraq war began a year ago -- 399 from hostile fire, 190 in nonhostile situations.

Philadelphia's KYW sees this total:

As of Wednesday, 583 U.S. service members have died since the beginning of military operations in Iraq a year ago, according to the agency. Of those, 189 died of non-hostile causes, the department said.

The San Diego Union Tribune focuses on the positive:

The attack brought to 398 the number of American soldiers killed in hostile action in Iraq since the start of the war.

Reuters takes the same tack:

The clashes brought to 399 the number of U.S. troops killed in action in Iraq since the start of the U.S.-led war just over one year ago.

Luckily, there is one source who doesn't mess around with killed in action, and not killed in action. The Washington Times just flat out lies about it:

Around 500 American soldiers has been killed in Iraq since the U.S.-British war started on Iraq last March.

Nope, no weapons over there.
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IS CRACKING WISE ALL THAT WISE?

President Bush yukked it up at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association dinner last night, and mocked those elusive weapons of mass destruction along the way. Showing a White House slide show, President Bush quipped:

Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere. (Laughter and applause.)...Nope, no weapons over there. (Laughter and applause.) Maybe under here. (Laughter.)

About three hours after President Bush did his stand-up routine, another U.S. soldier was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq.

President Bush hasn't quite learned that the secret of great comedy is timing.
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
 
BLOGGERS HELPING BLOGGERS!!

In an extremely gracious move, the inimitable Uncle Hornhead has pulled some strings to get Berry's World upgraded to a BlogSpot Plus account, meaning that there will be no more ads at the top of the page.

Thank you very much Uncle Hornhead, and let me assure you that those pictures I mentioned will be completely destroyed.
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THE WAR IS OVER!!!

You ever had a feud with a neighbor?

Not a they-play-that-damn-rock-and-or-roll-music-all-night-long kind of disagreement, but an all-out, to-the-mattresses type of war?

My next door neighbor, let's call her Mrs. J. Hendrickson, is the most cantankerous, irritable, offensive, unpleasant, and disputatious nincompoop in the history of cantankerous, irritable, offensive, unpleasant, and disputatious nincompoops.

After a series of skirmishes when she first moved in next-door, Mrs. J. Hendrickson and I went over a year without speaking. We would pass each other in the hall or the parking lot, and go out of our way to avoid eye contact, let alone exchanging words. Lately, in a semi-successful effort to get my dander up, Mrs. J. Hendrickson would sing gospel songs whenever I had my front door open. In retribution, when I heard her warbling out What A Friend We Have In Jesus, or My God Can Beat Up Your God, I would blast Tupac Shakur's How Do U Want It.

Well, I'm pleased to note that my next-door neighbor, the aforementioned cantankerous, irritable, offensive, unpleasant, and disputatious nincompoop, Mrs. J. Hendrickson, has moved out of the building!

This just proves the old saying, 'If You Can't Beat Them, Outlast Them'.
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IN ADDITION TO OUR RESPECT AND ADMIRATION...

Nichole, over at the blogdom's best kept secret, Passenger Pachyderms, has a friend serving in Iraq, and is looking for suggestions on what to write or send him. If you have any advice, Nichole would be glad to hear it.

Hey Nichole, here's an idea, why not publish his address, and whoever is so inclined can dash off a quick note telling him how much we appreciate his service to a grateful nation. Having never served in the military I can't say for sure, but I would imagine that he would enjoy getting some notes from home.
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BETRAYAL, THY NAME IS ZELL

Uncle Hornhead has the news that alleged Democrat Zell Miller is set to endorse President Bush. This isn’t all that surprising as it’s been long known that Miller will be a super-delegate for President Bush at the Democratic Convention.
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TWO WORDS FOR THE VEEP

Poppy, over at Patridiot Watch, has a two word message, consisting of a verb and a pronoun, for Vice President Dick Cheney, and while I don't embrace his tone, I do tend to think that Poppy may have a point:

Remember that in February 1993 the Clinton people never accused the Bush41 administration of failing to prevent the attack on the World Trade Center. No one politicized their deaths. Now Dick Cheney, who was Secretary of Defense for the Bush41 administration, and his attack dogs are manipulating this horror to protect his own skin.

Of course, 1993 was before honor and dignity was restored to the White House.
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A LITTLE TASTE

David Neiwert posted some excerpts from his soon-to-be-released book, Death on the Fourth of July, and it makes for some really good reading.

It appears that, despite the fact that I've explained to Dave that I really want a copy of Death on the Fourth of July: The Story of a Killing, a Trial, and Hate Crime in America but I don't want to spend my own money on it, I will have to buy a copy when it hits the bookshelves in June.
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THE CASHING OF THE CHRIST

The Numbers points out that Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ is in some pretty impressive company.


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SCHOOLS I NEVER ATTENDED

Boy, 5, Brings Bag of Marijuana To Elementary School
Child Spotted Sprinkling Drug Over Friend's Lasagna


Police say a 5-year-old boy brought a bag of marijuana to school and was sprinkling it Police say a 5-year-old boy brought a bag of marijuana to school and was sprinkling it over a friend's lasagna at the school cafeteria before a monitor intervened. Police say it is unclear whether the kindergartner at Gratigny Elementary School even knew he was carrying the drugs on Monday. The lasagna was confiscated before the other boy had a chance to eat it.

Four Pupils Charged With Sex Acts On Bus

Marion County sheriff's deputies have arrested a 12-year-old girl and three boys and charged them with lewd and lascivious conduct for their behavior on a school bus over two consecutive days. Sheriff's officials say the girl, a student at Dunnellon Middle School, allegedly performed oral sex Wednesday and Thursday on a 16-year-old Dunnellon High School student, his 12-year-old brother and a 13-year-old boy. The 16-year-old boy's brother and 13-year-old friend attend Dunnellon Middle School. (Editor's Note: Where I went to school, we had a name for girls like this: Homecoming Queen)

Boy, 4, Brings Crack Cocaine To School

A 4-year-old boy brought crack cocaine worth up to $10,000 to his preschool class Monday, authorities said. Police said the boy took rocks of crack cocaine out of his backpack and showed them to other children in his Head Start class, saying the drugs were flour. Teachers realized it was cocaine and called authorities. Police searched the boy's home, but did not find the parents, Sgt. Russell Burns said. The boy and his sister were placed in protective custody and arrest warrants were issued for the parents, Burns said. No names were released.
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
 
WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

President Bush welcomed the football team from L.S.U. and the National Champion U.S.C. Trojans to the White House today, and had a pretty good idea:

There was quite a lot of discussion about who really was number one. My attitude is, the South Lawn is a pretty good size.

Sadly, L.S.U. reportedly chickened out and refused to play.
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ELECTION YEAR STUNTS

Scott McClellan at today's gaggle:

Q You and others at the White House made a point of saying yesterday that the timing was suspect because it's an election year. You asked why he had waited this long to make his concerns known. He says that the book could have been published in December, but for the White House security review process.

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, let's be clear here. His book went through the normal review process. It went through the normal national security review process to look at classification issues. This is standard practice to make sure that classified information is not inadvertently released. Dick Clarke could have released his book at any time, but the fact is he chose to release it at a time and in a way where he could maximize coverage to sell books, and at a time when he could have the impact to influence the political discourse. That's very clear.

Q He could have released it at any time --

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, his publisher put out that he was going to release it at the end of April, I might point out to you. That's been in the public domain.

Q And could he have released it before the security review?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, certainly if he had such grave concerns, he could have raised those a year ago when he was leaving the administration, or over a year -- more than a year ago.

Q You just shifted the question, though. When did the security review conclude? In other words, when was he free as far as the United States government was concerned to publish this book?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, first of all, keep in mind that his publisher put out that it would come out at the end of April. There is a normal review process you go through in a situation like this that involves discussing information that's potentially classified for national security reasons. It went through the normal review process.

Q But he says that normal review process ended up delaying the publication of the book.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, look, Terry, he could release this book at any time. It's very clear that he chose to release it at a time --

Q No, he couldn't release it at any time --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, Bill, he chose to release it at a time when he could maximize coverage for promoting and selling his book, and he chose to release it at a time --

Q When was he free to release it?

MR. McCLELLAN: Can I finish? He chose to release it at a time when he could influence the political discourse. I can get you the exact time period of when that --

Q You've made that point, but Terry and I are trying to find out when it could have been released without -- having been reviewed for the security --

MR. McCLELLAN: I can get you the time period when it was given to us, things like that.
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Monday, March 22, 2004
 
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Brazilian Pastor Dies Watching "Passion of Christ"
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SPONGEBOB PUTS ASSES IN THE SEATS

Top rated cable shows; 03/08 thru 03/14-04:

1) SPONGEBOB
2) WWE ENTERTAINMENT (WWE RAW ZONE)
3) FAIRLY ODD PARENTS
4) LAW & ORDER
5) SPONGEBOB
6) REAL WORLD XIV
7) SPONGEBOB
8) FAIRLY ODD PARENTS
9) LAW & ORDER
10) FAIRLY ODD PARENTS
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A GUT FEELING

Based on no inside information, but taking into account Ralph Nader's lack of an impact in the presidential election, I'm of the belief that Nader will pull out of the race long before November 2nd.
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YOU MEAN HE LIED ABOUT WHO HE WAS ON THE INTERNET? THE INTERNET?

OK, the news sounds sad:

Chilean Girl Duped In Harry Potter Hoax

A Chilean teenager was duped into traveling halfway around the world thinking she would meet the star of the "Harry Potter" films. According to Chilean news sources Monday, the 14-year-old -- who begged the media not report her name out of embarrassment -- flew to London with her mother thinking she was invited to the home of Daniel Radcliffe, the young actor who plays Harry Potter. The Chilean girl said she had been corresponding with someone online who claimed to be Radcliffe, only to discover when she arrived at the actor's home that she had been the victim of an email hoax.

Yeah, yeah, it's sad, my heart bleeds, but come on!

As e-mail scams go, this wasn't a particularly creative one, but the results are spectacular. His gag is getting tons of ink, nobody got hurt, and I say we should admire the rapscallion. Good for him!
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Sunday, March 21, 2004
 
REGIME CHANGE IN LOS ANGELES?

The Anaheim Angels have invaded Los Angeles looking to dethrone the Dodgers:


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LUC'S MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS

Luc Robitaille, of the Los Angeles Kings, made a guarantee yesterday:

We will be in the playoffs, I promise you that.
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