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Berry's World
Saturday, April 17, 2004
 
KIDS SHOULD BE SEEN, AND NOT ALLOWED TO TYPE

It took only 17 days, but precocious political columnist Troy Appel, a sophomore at Northwestern, has declared Air America a 'failure', and to prove it he quotes a Medill freshman.

Seriously.

Maybe Troy is too young to remember, but a few years back, a TV show premiered as the lowest rated show on television. In fact, it was the lowest rated show in the history of it's network. During it's first season, it regularly got beat in the ratings by Too Close for Comfort! At the end of the first season, it was the lowest rated series on network TV. The funny thing is that the show, Cheers, didn't turn out too badly.

Will Air America fail? I have no idea, but unlike the all-seeing and all-knowing Troy Appel, I do know that it probably won't be decided until after the network has been on the air for at least three weeks.
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NORM!!!!

With the season now fully underway, like most Americans, I am starting to concentrate on Major League Soccer. Watching the Los Angeles Galaxy play the Colorado Rapids tonight, I was stunned by the size of Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid.

I'm not totally sure, but I'm guessing his beer-gut has it's own zip code.

UPDATE: The Galaxy and Rapids tied 1-1. Schmid put away 3 hot dogs and 4 beers.
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Friday, April 16, 2004
 
A LITTLE FRIDAY NIGHT MENCKEN

Some quotes from Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956):

---Democracy is the theory that holds that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

---Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

---Nature abhors a moron.

---Courtroom - A place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be equals, with the betting odds favoring Judas.

---Lawyer - One who protects us from robbers by taking away the temptation.

---Jury - A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

---It is the fundamental theory of all the more recent American law...that the average citizen is half-witted, and hence not to be trusted to either his own devices or his own thoughts.

---Dachshund - A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

---No one in this world, so far as I know ... has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

---He marries best who puts it off until it is too late.

---A celebrity is one who is known by many people he is glad he doesn't know.

---Suicide is a belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

---Truth - Something somehow discreditable to someone.

---The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace.

---Creator - A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

---A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

---Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

---Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

---Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.

---Life may not be exactly pleasant, but it is at least not dull. Heave yourself into Hell today, and you may miss, tomorrow or next day, another Scopes trial, or another War to End War, or perchance a rich and buxom widow with all her first husband's clothes. There are always more Hardings hatching. I advocate hanging on as long as possible.

---I believe it is better to tell the truth than to lie. I believe that it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe that it is better to know than to be ignorant.

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KEEPING THOSE PRIORITIES IN ORDER

You have to admire somebody who has his priorities straight. Take young Carlos Chereza. He wanted his mom whacked, and attempted to hire a hit-man to do the job. His only condition?

Carlos stated that he didn’t want anything to happen to the television.

Whatta ya wanna bet Carlos was one of those reality show viewers?
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I BLAME YOU PEOPLE

Being one of the few people on the planet never to have watched an episode of a prime-time reality show, I can and will point my accusing finger at you reality show watchers for the following:

Britney Wants Reality Show
Now even Britney Spears wants her own reality show. Representatives for the pop singer are shopping a reality series featuring backstage footage of her life on tour, according to sources.

Skins Vs. Skins In Lingerie Football League
The company behind the Lingerie Bowl, in which near-naked women played full-contact football for a pay-per-view audience, is developing a 10-episode reality TV show based on the concept.

New Reality Show Gives Exes Another Shot
"The One That Got Away," a reality show that condenses that search for love into a single, two-hour episode, will air next month on NBC. There's another twist in this latest entry: The seven contestants competing for a bachelor's affections were once involved with him.

Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown To Star In Reality TV Show
Jail, rehab and six-pound lobsters. They could be the ingredients of a new reality show starring Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. Brown's production company has been following him and Houston around, filming scenes for a reality show he wants to sell to a network.

Reality Show On Abductions Alarms Child Advocates
Child-protection experts and media watchers are alarmed over an effort by a reality-TV producer to create a CBS show that attempts to find and recover abducted children with a team of former military and former law-enforcement personnel. The show, "Recovery," is not yet on the CBS fall schedule and comes from Mark Burnett Productions, the company whose big hits are "Survivor" on CBS and "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump on NBC.

Sugar Ray Jumps On Reality Show Bandwagon
Sugar Ray is taking its act to the airwaves. The rock band will participate in "On the Road," a reality show for Spike TV. "We thought what the world needs now is another reality show," leader singer Mark McGrath joked. The show, set to air this summer, follows eight contestants who go on tour with Sugar Ray. They compete for a job with a music label and a new Kia car.

Virgin's Branson To Host Fox Reality Show
As Donald Trump basks in the popularity of his NBC reality show, "The Apprentice," the Fox network has announced that Virgin Group's Richard Branson will be leading a group of young entrepreneurs on a global journey. "Branson's Big Adventure," the working title of the show, will air later this year, Fox Broadcasting Co. said Thursday.
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PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JON STEWART

If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting -- a far more hightech, error-prone system.

DAVID LETTERMAN

The Fox television network decided they would pre-empt their 'American Idol' show and just have the George W. Bush press conference instead. And I thought that makes sense; you don't want too many amateurs on the same night.

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 2001 briefing, which was entitled, 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' He said there was nothing in that memo that hinted what bin Laden was up to. OK, let's just start with the title ... Bush said he would've moved mountains to prevent an attack, but he draws the line at reading memos.

JAY LENO

Vice President Dick Cheney released his tax records yesterday. Kind of embarrassing! He listed President Bush as a dependent.

President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's really not that much for being president. But see, President Bush doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the 8 months of vacation every year. All that time in Texas to kick back and relax.

You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol'? See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.

In his press conference, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the Almighty and we have been 'called' by God to use our military power to help spread freedom around the world. Then he called that al-Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nut case.

The arguments continue about President Bush, and whether he did anything about the memo that said terrorists were planning a major attack inside the United States. Actually, turns out Bush was more concerned about a higher priority, more urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft that said two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married.

President Bush issued his new presidential directive on terrorism. He told his staff, 'no more memos!'

As you know, Condoleeza Rice testified last Thursday. In fact, President Bush almost missed Rice's testimony. According to the intelligence he received, she was going to testify next Thursday.

Vice President Dick Cheney now drives the Republican version of a hybrid car. It runs on gasoline, and then when it gets on the highway it switches over to even more gasoline. You ever notice Republicans are only in favor of electric cars if they have golf clubs tied to the back?

CONAN O'BRIEN

Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq.’

CRAIG KILBORN

Cheney's Asian visit was meant to emphasize the Bush Administration's resolve to support democracy worldwide, except in China.

Vice President Dick Cheney was touring Asia with stops in China and Japan. The Japanese were impressed; they've never met anyone that high up in Halliburton.

President Bush asked his accountant, 'On what line do I write off the poor and middle class?’
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Thursday, April 15, 2004
 
FINALLY!!

The NFL released the schedule for next season, and here are the games you'll see on Monday Night Football:

SEPTEMBER 9 Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots

SEPTEMBER 20 Minnesota Vikings vs. Philadelphia Eagles

SEPTEMBER 27 Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

OCTOBER 4 Kansas City Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens

OCTOBER 11 Tennessee Titans vs. Green Bay Packers

OCTOBER 18 Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. St. Louis Rams

OCTOBER 25 Denver Broncos vs. Cincinnati Bengals

NOVEMBER 1 Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets

NOVEMBER 8 Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts

NOVEMBER 15 Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys

NOVEMBER 22 New England Patriots vs. Kansas City Chiefs

NOVEMBER 29 St. Louis Rams vs. Green Bay Packers

DECEMBER 6 Dallas Cowboys vs. Seattle Seahawks

DECEMBER 13 Kansas City Chiefs vs. Tennessee Titans

DECEMBER 20 New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins

DECEMBER 27 Philadelphia Eagles vs. St. Louis Rams
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WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

William Hung's debut album debuted at No. 34 on the latest Billboard 200 pop albums chart. While that debut came in more than 400,000 records behind Usher's chart-topping "Confessions," it was nearly on par with the latest release by future "Idol" guest judge Barry Manilow.
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AND THE MUZZLE GOES TO...

CBS!

For its handling of 'The Reagans,' and for barring a tasteful if provocative public service message, while granting Super Bowl time to advertise three different erectile dysfunction medicines, among a welter of commercial products, not to mention a half-time performance the climax of which could hardly be deemed less 'controversial' than the banned PSA, CBS amply deserves yet another Jefferson Muzzle.
Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression
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WANNA KNOW THE REST? HEY, BUY THE RIGHTS

How bizarre, indeed:

Bizarre Bomb Threat Timed To Scuttle Vacation

A woman who phoned in bomb threats to Germany's third largest airport last year to avoid a planned vacation with her boyfriend was sentenced today to two years probation by a state court. Marina Busbosnjac, 29, pleaded guilty Wednesday to making the bomb threats that shut down the Duesseldorf international airport for six hours and forced the evacuation of 15,000 people last September. She told the Duesseldorf court that she was trying to keep the relationship a secret from her family. "I couldn't say to my boyfriend that we couldn't travel," Busbosnjac testified, explaining that she had hoped to get the flight cancelled.

Man Survives Bizarre Stabbing In Coyote Creek Park

A man fishing at Coyote Creek Park Wednesday night is expected to survive after being stabbed multiple times by a man who "thought he was looking at him funny," San Jose Sgt. Steve Dixon reported this morning. The unidentified victim was fishing in the South San Jose park when 20-year-old Yong Mao allegedly attacked him and stabbed him about 10 times in the upper body. Neighbors who lived on nearby Uxbridge Court called police at about 6:30 p.m. to report a man with blood on his clothes running through their back yards, Dixon explained. By the time officers arrived, about four neighbors had chased down the suspect and held him down for police.

Bizarre Breast-Feeding Fiasco At San Antonio Hospital

It's a bizarre breast-feeding fiasco at a San Antonio hospital. A woman says because of a mix-up, she was not the first to breast-feed her newborn baby. Veronica Rivera gave birth to her daughter Monday at St. Luke's Baptist Hospital, but a nurse accidentally took Rivera's baby to the wrong room and the baby was then breast-fed by another new mom. Rivera says she's upset because she doesn't know that woman. Plus, she says breast-feeding your baby for the first time is supposed to be special. "It's a big deal because that's when you're supposed to bond with your baby," said Rivera. The hospital admits they made a mistake, saying they've reviewed the situation and will learn from it. Rivera's not sure what she'll do next, but she says she won't be going back to St. Luke's.

Deputies Probe Bizarre Beating

A Pixley man who stopped his car when it was hit by a beer can was pounced on by at least 20 people and beaten late Sunday. Gabriel Velasquez, 19, was in stable condition this morning at Modesto Memorial Hospital, where he was taken after initially being examined at Tulare District Hospital. Tulare County Fire Engineer Chris Annis said Velasquez had a baseball-size swelling on his temple between his left ear and eye. "He took a pretty good beating," Annis said. "He was struck with more than just fists." Despite the attack, Annis said, Velasquez didn't want to go to the hospital. "The ambulance personnel kind of talked him into it," Annis said. No arrests have been made in connection with the attack, and the motive is unknown.

Woman Charged With Bizarre Call

A 56-year-old city woman has been charged with making a false report about poisoned toilet paper. State police said Carol L. Hall was arrested Tuesday for allegedly calling Waterbury Superior Court to report that the building's toilet paper had been contaminated with poison. The cell phone call was made in December and the call was taken seriously. Officials checked, but found no poison toilet paper.

Charges Follow Bizarre Religious Request

A 61-year-old woman accused of being a high priestess in the Palo Mayombe religion is charged with directing followers to steal human remains from Newark cemeteries for use in the sect's rituals. Miriam Mirabal's trial began Wednesday in Superior Court in Newark. The Cuban immigrant is charged in a seven-count indictment with burglary, theft and conspiracy stemming from grave desecrations at the Mount Pleasant and Holy Sepulchre cemeteries. Dean Maglione, an assistant Essex County prosecutor, told the jury Mirabal's followers stole the bodies of Richard Jenkinson and his wife, Emily, from Mount Pleasant Cemetery on Dec. 17, 2001, and the remains of Joseph Rovi from Holy Sepulchre Cemetery on Jan. 23, 2002. He said one of the followers, Ramon Gonzalez, will testify that he stole the remains with others and then turned them over to Mirabal, who in turn supplied them to another reputed Palo priest for use in ceremonies in the basement of a religious items store. Newark police raided the store and seized the remains in August 2002.
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
 
THANK GOD FOR THE LAKERS

With American Idol, The Apprentice, and a special Dateline about The Apprentice littering the TV schedule tonight, the thinking TV viewer was lucky indeed to be able to watch the Lakers-Trailblazers game tonight on KCAL 9.

In what turned out to be a marvelous game, the Lakers , after trailing the whole way, came back to win in double overtime thanks to a 3-point bomb by Kobe Bryant with 1 second left on the clock.
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AIR AMERICA ANSWERS...

Air America was bounced from the air in Chicago and Los Angeles, and now has answered the charges.
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
 
THE THIRD SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE?

When figures are released Wednesday, industry insiders expect the "American Idol" reject, (William Hung), to debut in the top 30 with sales between 30,000 to 40,000 copies.

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Sunday, April 11, 2004
 
DARE TO DREAM

The contestants in tomorrow’s MISS USA pageant were asked what their dream job in life would be, and while the answers varied, being on TV is very, very important to these women:

Miss Alabama
I would love to be on the "Today Show.

Miss Arizona
My ideal job would be a position that would allow me to interview prominent political figures, athletes and interesting personalities as part of a television news, sports or entertainment program.

Miss California
My dream job would be to be a talk show host. I would love to be like Oprah and really try to help other people improve their lives.

Miss Florida
To co-host "The Today Show.

Miss Georgia (Caroline Medley)
Live! With Regis and Caroline!

Miss Kentucky
National news anchor.

Miss Missouri
I would love to use my counseling degree on television.

Miss North Carolina

Being both a national health and entertainment correspondent.

Miss Oklahoma
To work as a V.J. on MTV.

Miss Texas
After spending a year as Miss USA motivating young people to dream BIG and set and achieve their goals, I would like to become a top-rated national news anchor.
(Editor's note: If Miss Texas is not 'top-rated', the deals off.)

Miss Utah
Entertainment reporter.

Miss West Virginia
To work as a host for the Entertainment Channel, or star on Saturday Night Live.

Now, to be fair, not all of the contestants aspire to a TV career.

Miss Delaware, for example, wouldn't be satisfied with a mundane life on the tube:

After becoming Miss USA, my dream job would be to become a C.I.A. agent.


Miss Michigan, tired of seeing all of those damn women's NBA teams, wants to even things out:

I would love to be the owner of a men's NBA Franchise.

And Miss Massachusetts won't be satisfied until she's...um...well...I'm not sure exactly:

I hope to one day work as a personal Esthetician for celebrities.
(Editor's note: aes·the·ti·cian or es·the·ti·cian n.
1. One versed in the theory of beauty and artistic expression.
2. One skilled in giving facials, manicures, pedicures, and other beauty treatments.)

Of course, these girls aren't all about their careers, as they have a wild side too! They were asked what is the craziest thing they have ever done, and some of these chicks are just nuts:

Miss Minnesota
In the summer of 2003, I managed to break my nose in four places, and thirty days later, I broke my left hand!
(Editor's note: Did she do it on purpose?)

Miss District of Columbia
I don't know if this would be considered crazy, but as I look back, it may have been a a bit risky. Four years ago, at the Miss Teen USA Pageant, I made a comment on behalf of myself and the delegates. My comment brought forth a reaction of tears and appreciation from them. From their reactions, I fully understood how pageants can bring about unity among women.
(Editor's note: I want to party with Miss D.C.!)

Miss Indiana
Working in only seven days' time, I organized a service auction fundraiser at my workplace. I auctioned off all of my co-workers - and myself - to do odd jobs for the highest bidders! We all had a great time and raised over $500 for the American Heart Association.
(Editor's note: Only seven days time? Get out!)

Miss Tennessee
While I was touring Israel, I was offered 5,000 camels for my hand in marriage.
(Editor's note: In Miss Tennessee's defense, she may have thought the question was 'What's the craziest thing that's happened NEAR me?')

Miss Oklahoma
My hometown has a population of 250 people. There just aren't a lot of activities for young people. One Halloween my friends and I went around town and gathered up about 70 pumpkins. We then scattered these pumpkins all over our basketball coach's yard. When his four-year-old son woke up the next morning, he thought it had actually rained pumpkins! (No, we didn't steal the pumpkins!)
(Editor's note: Thanks God she didn't steal the pumpkins, as that type of hooliganism may have disqualified her from the pageant.)
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