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Berry's World
Friday, August 06, 2004
 
PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JON STEWART

Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering ...

(Stewart handed a piece of paper)

Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family.

Cheney's knowledge of the oil business is limited. I mean, he can't even remember the names of the industry executives he met with in 2001 to secretly formulate America's energy policy. But yesterday, Cheney used a campaign stop in Arkansas to offer this explanation for our current shortage:

(Cheney: 'We don't drill off the East Coast. We don't drill off the West Coast. We don't drill in Alaska. Large parts of the Rocky Mountain West are off limits.')

That's Dick Cheney: the Woody Guthrie of fossil fuel exploitation.

By the way, a whole new office of intelligence? More bureaucracy? What is it with Republicans and big government? Is that their answer to everything?

But the president's plan differs from that suggested by the 9-11 commission in several key areas. For example, Bush's proposal would not give the new director authority over budgets or the ability to hire or fire. In fact, it would not even be considered a cabinet position. Because, while protecting our nation from a bloody terrorist attack that could cost millions of lives is important, it's not 'agriculture' important.

JAY LENO

The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York City. Apparently they have a plan for going into New York, but they don't have a plan for getting out.

Do you know what happened on this day 4 years ago? Well, whatever it was, the Department of Homeland Security just found out today.

I was watching all the pundits and all the critics today, and they said it was very smart of John Kerry to portray himself as an old soldier reporting for duty. They thought that was very clever. Of course, President Bush can do that. He can portray himself as an old soldier. Although, in Bush's case, the reporting for duty thing might be new.

And last night, John Kerry addressed President Bush directly by saying, ‘In the weeks ahead, let's be optimistic.’ Today President Bush fired back and said, ‘What does making eyeglasses have to do with running the country?’

Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme, ‘Heart and Soul.’ That's their new campaign theme, ‘Heart and Soul.’ Sounded a lot better than their first choice, ‘Oil and gas.’

President Bush is back in Washington, DC. That's where he goes when he wants to get away from the Texas ranch for a couple of weeks.

The LA Times reporting today that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran. And President Bush is talking tough. He said today he will invade Iran the minute he has evidence his approval rating is below 45%.

According to a new report, Al Qaeda is trying to bring down our US financial institutions. Let me tell you, that will not be easy to destroy. There's a lot of competition -- Enron, Adelphia, Global Crossing.

A lot of people are wondering if these terrorist threats are politically motivated, and today, Tom Ridge said in a press conference, ‘We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify the threat and then assign it a pretty little color to go with it.’

John Edwards and John Kerry recently published their political promises and strategies in a book. It's in a book. See, that's smart, putting it in a book. That way they're certain to keep it from Bush.

John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos Sunday he has a secret plan for Iraq, but he can't reveal it unless he's elected president. And Bush has a secret plan, also. He can't talk about it, either, until he's really elected President.

President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just 'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that.

Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions? Like at the Democratic Convention, Kerry's daughter told a story about how her dad once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican Convention, the Bush girls are going to tell the story of how, when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair.

DAVID LETTERMAN

How many folks watched and enjoyed the Democratic convention? And it's over. Now the Republicans have just one month to become ethnically diverse.

Over the weekend, Tom Ridge comes out, said, ‘Look out, get ready, hang on. Be careful. Watch what you're doing. Hang on to your wigs and keys.’ And then now today we find out that the information that they're using to raise the terror alert thing is four years old. It's four years old. Apparently Bush got around to reading it today.

CRAIG KILBORN

The latest polls say that Bush and Kerry are tied. President Bush said, ‘Forget Kerry. How am I doing with the candidate from Manchuria?’

Bush spent all morning reading the latest security briefing even though it took time away from ignoring the middle class.
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Thursday, August 05, 2004
 
THE PREZ SPEAKS

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
President Bush, 8-5-04
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WELL, THAT'S A LITTLE ODD

Craig Cooper, of the Quad City Times, provided a minute by minute rundown of President Bush's day in Davenport, Iowa highlighted by this somewhat unseemly entry:

12:23 p.m.: Bush blows kisses to spectators and to NBC reporter David Gregory as he goes behind the bleachers in LeClaire Park.

Maybe this explains why President Bush has been treated with kid gloves by the media.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
 
OH THE HILARITY

Here's a very funny campaign commercial satire, starring Will Ferrell as your president.
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Tuesday, August 03, 2004
 
THE BATTLE PANDA'S BACK AND THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE

Fresh off her month-long visit to Taiwan, our beloved Battle Panda is back in action!
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IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US

Page Six recently reported a Brandon Tartikoff sighting, only to be reminded by readers that Tartikoff died in 1997. I can't poke any fun considering that I spotted Gregory Hines coming out of my local dry cleaners long after he had died.
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WHO SAID THAT?

President Bush has 'been a world-class polarizer. I don't know if I can stomach four more years with him as president. He misled us into the war in Iraq and has mismanaged everything since.'

I just have a gut feeling that Kerry can be trusted to make the right courageous decisions and will make a good president. He showed that with his heroism in Vietnam.

President Bush is 'supposed to be a conservative and yet he's run up the biggest federal deficit in history. One thing that really turned me (away from Bush) as a lifelong Catholic ... was to see Bush go to the Vatican and try to get the pope to come down hard on Kerry for his stand on abortion. That is absolutely appalling.'

The foreign policy is a mess. The offensive in Iraq is reckless and built on bad decision making. On the domestic front I understand that terrorism has struck and he's occupied but any real progress on a domestic agenda has ground to a halt.

I am just frustrated with the way Bush has mishandled everything. All the untruths.

In what could be driving Karl Rove to drink, all of these statements, and more, were made by battleground Republicans.
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Monday, August 02, 2004
 
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT...

After not hearing from William Hung for a couple of weeks, I enrolled into the comfortable school of thought that his 15 minutes were up. Sadly, I was incorrect, as Hung is recording a Christmas album and starring in a movie. It's a Cantonese film, but still.
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