Friday, August 20, 2004
THE NAME WAS THE TIP-OFF
President Bush stopped for about 20 minutes at the Cady Cheese Factory and Shoppe ... near Wilson, Wisconsin. He toured the factory briefly, urging his host, Dale Marcott, to tell him what they do. Their conversation was hard to hear, but essentially Marcott told the president they make cheese.
---Official White House pool report from this week
PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES
President Bush says he has just one question for American voters: "Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?
The big opening ceremony for the Olympics earlier tonight. … Actually, it's impressive. 202 nations marching together. 202. You know, that was supposed to happen in Iraq, but of course it didn't work out that way.
God bless President Bush. He tries. … Like today he called the prime minister of Greece to wish him good luck in the games and to thank him for the Grecian Formula so popular around the world today.
Cheney also warned Americans about a group that is trying to impose their radical extremism on everyone else. He said, ‘They have no tolerance for democracy and they have no tolerance for people with a different religious faith.’ And then he said, ‘I'm sorry, that's our platform.’
The Republicans are lining up big-name Hollywood celebrities to appear at the convention. I understand they've already got Affleck. Affleck's doing it. Not Ben, the duck. They've got the duck. AFLAC.
There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush.
Top Ten Ways I, P. Diddy, Am Getting People To Vote
10. "To make voting hip, we're putting velvet ropes and bouncers outside the voting booths"
9. "I asked the CIA to fabricate some convincing data I can use"
8. "Register today and receive a complimentary decanter of courvosier"
7. "I will personally pimp out each candidates campaign bus"
6. "In general, just trying to make the whole voting process more Diddy-ish"
5. "To show people how easy it is, this November I'll be voting several times"
4. "Anyone who doesn't register to vote will receive nude photos of Ralph Nader"
3. "Remember 'Hands Across America'? Yeah, well, we ain't doin' that"
2. "I'm designing a line of super-stylish voting pants"
1. "On the ballots the candidates will be listed as P. Kerry and George Diddy Bush"
Both John Kerry and Wesley Clark made campaign appearances with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy who once took a math test for him.
In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part: Nobody remembers seeing him there.
My name is Craig Kilborn. I think everyone has heard the big news by now about me. I'm leaving and I'm a gay American. Kidding. I honestly cannot believe I'm out of a job before George Bush.
Attendance at this year's Olympics is so bad that al Qaeda operatives were caught scalping tickets half-price so they'd have enough fans to attack.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
SAME STORY, DIFFERENT DAY
Kathryn Mead wanted to see her first sitting president when George W. Bush visited the city. Instead, Bush campaign staffers tore up the 55-year-old social studies teacher's ticket and refused her admission because she sported a small sticker on her blouse that touted the Democratic ticket of John Kerry and John Edwards. "I had my ticket and photo identification, but they would not let me in because of this sticker," said Mead, a teacher at Traverse City West Senior High, who said she has seen Queen Elizabeth and Pope John Paul in person. "I have never found this kind of screening anywhere in my travels around the world. I can't imagine being denied access to hearing the president of the United States speak."
IT'S NEWS RIGHT?
Now that Oprah has completed jury duty, look for these stories coming soon:
Oprah Pays Her Phone Bill!
Oprah's Help Drags Oprah's Garbage To The Curb!
Oprah Watches TV!
Oprah Watches Her Maid Dust!
Oprah Wakes Up This Morning!
JOE'S FIRST LAUGH IN A LONG TIME
It's been a long while since Joe Piscopo said anything funny, but this is a riot:
Piscopo claims "some prominent business guys" are trying to get him to run for New Jersey's governor's seat.
Actually, this is more pathetic and sad than funny.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
SUMMER OLYMPICS UPDATE
Today is the 78th day of the Summer Games in Athens, meaning there are only 296 days before the closing ceremonies.
A FAIR AND BALANCED PROFILE OF BILL O'REILLY
Rolling Stone has a pretty good story about Bill O'Reilly, highlighted by this passage:
O'Reilly loves any story that smacks of child mistreatment. There's easy emotion in it, and what O'Reilly is always looking for is emotion, something to jolt his viewers, to stir them to an indignation, disbelief or contempt equal to his own. His nose for such stories, and his ability to milk them for every ounce of drama, is what has made him the most successful personality on cable news. He demonstrates his special skills a few days later, when he kicks off The Factor with a tale of two U.S. soldiers who fled to Canada rather than serve in Iraq. Next to stories about abused kids, nothing pushes O'Reilly's buttons like stories about lily-livered, spineless, cowardly, anti-American lowlifes like these two deserters. He brings on a guest to "discuss" the "issue": Toronto Globe and Mail columnist Heather Mallick, who has dared to call the two deserters "fine American men." O'Reilly is not happy. And from the top of the "interview," he strikes that special note of scathing, keening contempt that might be described as the keynote of the entire Fox News Channel, an operation whose professed reason for being is to counterbalance the supposed liberal bias of all other media outlets. Thus the mood of bunkered aggrievement, which animates even the network's ostensibly "objective" news shows and which O'Reilly has raised to the level of an art form.
After verbally abusing Mallick as "anti-American," a "socialist" and someone who writes "stuff that's not true," O'Reilly takes the gloves off. "Now," he says, "if your government harbors these two deserters . . . there will be a boycott of your country, which will hurt your country enormously. France is now feeling that sting." (He's referring to a boycott that O'Reilly called for after France declined to join the Bush administration in Iraq.)
"I don't think for a moment such a boycott would take place," says Mallick. "We are your biggest trading partner -- "
"No," O'Reilly cuts in, "it will take place, madam. In France -- "
"I don't think that your French boycott has done too well -- "
At which point O'Reilly executes his signature move -- the bellowing, bullying, peremptory interruption. "They've lost billions of dollars in France, according to the Paris Business Review!" he thunders.
In short, amazing TV -- the modern media equivalent of witnessing a Christian torn apart by lions, with a touch of opera buffo thrown in. (Boycott Canada?) It mattered not that most of what O'Reilly said bears no relation to the truth. The Paris Business Review doesn't exist, and the "billions" of dollars France supposedly lost reflect figures dating to the 2001 recession, predating by two years O'Reilly's call for a ban on buying French goods (since then, French exports to America have actually gone up).
Sunday, August 15, 2004
JIMMY TO THE RESCUE?
He saved NYPD Blue, and now it's being reported that Jimmy Smits is on his way to Washington to help The West Wing out of its ratings decline.
CUT THEM ALL OUT
These are the events the Summer Olympic Games could easily do without:
DIVING---Everything beyond the belly-flop is pure drudgery.
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING---Frankly, any event with the word 'synchronized' should be banned.
ARCHERY---The last time archery was important, William Tell was handling the bow.
BADMINTON---What's next, lawn darts?
CANOEING---We've got rowing, so what's the point?
EQUESTRIAN---Unless the medal goes to the horse, this is a joke.
FENCING---Anybody using an epee, foil, or sabre shouldn't get within 50 yards of an Olympic medal.
JUDO---Any sport that bans offensive body odor can't be taken seriously.
SAILING---When competitors get to bring along a 'crew' or a 'posse', you know you don't have a real sport on your hands.
SHOOTING---Now if the contestants were shooting at each other, you might have something.
TABLE TENNIS---Any sport played in your parents basement is simply not Olympic material.
TAEKWANDO---This is just Judo with a better haircut.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL---Lugging sand inland does not a beach make.
When you think about it, when you dump the excess baggage, we could finish the Olympics up within a week, and that's reason enough to make these changes.