Saturday, January 31, 2004
HOLD THE CART, WE FORGOT THE HORSE!!
In a stunning display of confidence (some might say over-confidence) readers of the Charlotte Observer are being asked to answer this poll:
POLL: When should the Panthers have a victory celebration?
1) Monday, soon after the team gets back in town.
2) The following weekend, when everyone can attend.
3) Another choice (please reply with your preferences).
As of this moment, Number 2 is at 43%, and Number 1 is at 42%.
I think the results would have been completely different had they included another choice:
4) Never, as a victory celebration is unseemly after your team got thumped by two touchdowns.
I know that would have been my vote.
STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME!
JOKES, PRANKS, AND HIJINKS:
UMass Student Involved In Fatal Prank
A University of Massachusetts student, charged with involuntary manslaughter, plead not guilty on Dec. 31, as he and three others stand trial after confessing their involvement in a fatal prank. Easton police said on Dec. 22 that Shaun Connolly, of 16 Erick Rd., Mansfield, Mass., and four friends thought they were playing a practical prank on drivers when they pulled tires in the middle of a road in Easton as a nuisance to drivers. The prank, however, this time turned fatal. Edwin Keach, a 21-year-old Northeastern University student, was killed returning from a party when he hit the tires, swerved and hit a tree.
Stolen Car Turns Out To Be Practical Joke
A 21-year-old Huntington woman told police Thursday that her vehicle had been stolen from the 400 block of 14th Street, but later notified authorities that friends had taken it as a practical joke. She initially said that the vehicle, a 1996 Ford Explorer, had been taken sometime Wednesday night or Thursday morning. No arrests were reported.
Revealed: The Proud History Of Haggis Hurling Was Just A Hoax
IT has been marketed as a noble tradition, but in reality it’s just a load of mince. The world of haggis hurling has been rocked to its tartan roots after the “ancient” art was exposed as a hoax, started by an Irishman to gauge the gullibility of the Scots.
Police Arrest Man Sought In Radio Station Prank, Assault
Police arrested a man Saturday who allegedly intercepted telephone calls to a Philadelphia radio station and sexually assaulted a teenage girl he lured out under the pretext of free event tickets.
Children Placed In Protective Custody After Prank 911 Call
A prank call to 911 placed by a 7-year-old boy alerted authorities that he was baby-sitting his younger siblings in a “mess” littered with dog feces, Reno police said. All were placed in the custody of Child Protective Services.
Berwick Teen's Alleged Prank Ruins Car's Roof
A 14-year-old Berwick boy suspected of placing a bag of "fecal matter" on top of a parked car and setting it ablaze on LaSalle Street last fall had charges withdrawn for lack of evidence.
Father Died After Prank Went Tragically Wrong
A father of one accidentally hung himself after a prank went tragically wrong, an inquest heard. James Mortimer, 32, of Homefield Close, Stokenchurch, was found dead after he had tied a vacuum cleaner flex around his neck and hung himself from the staircase of his home.
Bomb 'Prank' Causes Tokyo Air Base Evacuation
About 1,000 staff were evacuated from a US air base in Japan after a written bomb threat was found on a car, but no bomb was found and officials believe it was a prank.
Anti-Theft Signs Taken In Prank
A MAN was fined £150 yesterday for stealing signs to promote the police anti-theft team, from the side of a police van. Gregory Webb, 28, stole two magnetic "Shoplifting Squad" signs in December, despite the van being parked outside the local court and in full view of CCTV.
Public Toilet Prank Injures Woman
A seventeen-year-old Christchurch woman is in hospital for third degree burns after a shocking experience in a public toilet. Police believed an acid-like substance was deliberately coated over toilet seats in a block in the suburb of Sydenham.
Frenchman's Bad Joke No Laughing Matter
A Frenchman arrested for making remarks about a bomb on his plane earlier this month was sentenced on Monday to a small fine and time served.
HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE
In a possible attempt to lay the groundwork for '06 gubernatorial run, California Attorney General Bill Lockyer finally did something right. The Gropinator, who has quickly become the de-facto conscience of California, has the details.
Whatever Attorney General Lockyer does, as far as I'm concerned, it's far too little and far too late. This stunning moment of hypocrisy will keep me from voting for Attorney General Lockyer for any office ever.
PAYING OFF A DEBT
Over the Thanksgiving holiday I had this conversation with my brother:
HIM: Have you seen Lord Of The Rings?
ME: Yeah, right.
HIM: You’re missing out.
ME: Oh, what do I care what that little bespectacled geek does?
ME: Why would I want to sit in a theater with a hundred and fifty kids watching the adventures of Harry Potter?
HIM: Harry Potter isn’t in Lord Of The Rings.
ME: Yeah he is. The little skinny freak running around practicing witchcraft, or something. No thank you.
HIM: You are so wrong.
ME: No, I’m not.
HIM: When you get home, you check on it. I expect to see an apology on that stupid little website of yours!
ME: Don’t you worry. When I’m right I’m gonna post your home phone number so people can call you and mock you!
HIM: Who’s gonna call? Only me and dad read your idiotic rants.
ME: Now you’ve gone too far!
HIM: You just check it out. You’ll see that I’m right.
Sadly, it turns out that I was, indeed, mistaken. Harry Potter has nothing to do with the Lord Of The Rings, and my brother was correct. I apologize.
(Thankfully, he didn’t say I couldn’t post this apology on the weekend of the Super Bowl when NOBODY is reading.)
Friday, January 30, 2004
SHE JUST DOESN'T GET IT
This is not a day for me to respond to Deweese [Eunick-Paul] and to bash Deweese, because I know she's grieving as much as I am.
Kathleen Grossett-Tate, comparing the grief of a mother whose daughter was brutally murdered, and her own grief for having her son spend three years in jail for committing the brutal murder.
IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING
"The economy is growing, people are finding work. There's excitement in our economy."
1-29-04 President George W. Bush
Of course, not everyone is all that excited:
1-6-04 THE INDYGO TO CUT 70 JOBS
1-6-04 EARTHLINK TO CUT 1,300 JOBS
1-16-04 MCI TO LAY OFF 1,700 WORKERS
1-21-04 PALMONE TO CUT 100 JOBS
1-22-04 J.C. PENNEY TO LAY OFF 475 WORKERS
1-23-04 KODAK TO LAY OFF 15,000 WORKERS
1-23-04 MEIJER TO CUT NEARLY 3,000 JOBS
1-23-04 ALLTEL TO CUT 400 TO 600 JOBS
1-25-04 ROBERT BOSCH CORP. TO LAY OFF 400 WORKERS
1-26-04 WILSONS TO CUT 1,020 JOBS
1-27-04 MASONITE TO LAY OFF 172 WORKERS
1-28-04 GOODYEAR TO CUT MORE THAN 1,000 JOBS
1-28-04 ALAMEDA COUNTY TO CUT 95 JOBS
1-28-04 KRAFT TO CUT 6,000 JOBS
1-28-04 KB TOYS TO CUT 3,500 JOBS
1-29-04 WISE ALLOYS TO CUT 65 TO 69 JOBS
1-29-04 TELETECH TO LAY OFF 790 WORKERS
1-30-04 WASHINGTON MUTUAL TO LAY OFF 188 WORKERS
1-30-04 FORD TO LAY OFF 1,000 WORKERS
1-30-04 TULALIP CASINO TO LAY OFF 240 WORKERS
THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING OUTSIDE YOUR OWN HOME
Robert Zangrando has moxie, that’s for sure.
Zangrando, a 71-year-old Stow, Ohio resident, owns a condo which shares a front porch with a condo rented by Kevin and Nicole Kuder. The Kuder’s landlord doesn’t allow smoking in the condo, so Nicole smokes on the shared front porch. And therein lies the rub.
Zangrando and his wife, Lisa Pace, don’t care for the smoke. Zangrando says the smoke seeps inside his unit or stagnates outside his door when he passes. Pace says that the smoke irritates her nose, throat and eyes. Zangrando tried to get Kuder to walk to a nearby parking lot to smoke, but Kuder refused.
Kuder says that Zangrando’s next move was to start harassing her. He has yelled such pleasantries as ‘go, kill my family’, as well as photographing her movements while she is smoking. Further, Kuder says: ‘There have been times when I've had friends over, and he comes out screaming at us.’
After negotiations broke down, Zangrando decided upon a different plan of attack. He complained to the Huntington Park Condo Association. An attorney for the association, Joseph Cusimano, wrote to Zangrando calling his complaints "subjective in nature'' and without legal basis.
Like anybody harboring a complaint that was without legal basis, Zangrando took the next logical step. He sued Kuder, seeking a restraining order preventing Kuder from smoking within 30 feet of his condo.
A trial is set for June in Summit County Common Pleas Court. Happily, however, Judge Marvin Shapiro realized that there was still a problem, and used Solomon-like wisdom to keep the peace until the legal system could render a ruling:
Kuder will be allowed to smoke on her back-porch, for up to fifteen minutes, at the top of every hour. Both sides agreed to the deal.
Seems like a pretty reasonable way to handle things right?
Well, maybe not so much. It seems like a whole lot of trouble for what both sides concede totals the ‘one to six cigarettes’ a day Kuder smokes near the condo. And you might think that a guy who smoked cigars and pipes until 1975, as Zangrando did, might be a bit more tolerant. But maybe this isn’t about the smoke, after all.
Inside Edition reported tonight that in addition to the restraining order keeping Kuder from smoking within 30 feet of his condo, Zangrando is also asking to $300,000 dollars plus attorney’s fees.
Why do I get the feeling that if Zangrando got the 300 large, Kuder's smoking wouldn't be that big a problem after all?
SURPRISING POLL RESULTS
A Field Poll of 500 registered voters in California found that 74% support the use of medicinal marijuana. The issue cuts across party lines as 83% of Democrats and 63% of Republicans approve of allowing patients with chronic illness to use marijuana.
A Berry's World Poll of 1 registered voter in California found that 100% supports totally unrestricted and unfettered use of marijuana. 100% of Democrats approve of California citizens getting stoned to the bone, making pot the legal equivalent of alcohol, while no Republicans were polled.
KERRY AND BOTOX-HE DENIES USING IT
Atrios gives us yet another example of the idiocy of CNN.
Just so we’re on the same page, here are some of the things that I don’t care about (even though the media does) when choosing a presidential candidate:
---The use of Botox.
---What a candidate wears.
---Who the candidate is married to (unless the spouse is the vice-presidential candidate).
---The candidate's religion.
Color me old-fashioned, but I still cling to the notion that a candidate's ideas are more important than his choice of sweater.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR WAYS?
It was just over three weeks ago when I pointed out that by Googling 'examples of immoral behavior', Berry's World was the 5th site listed. I have to be honest, that was a real wake-up call for me.
Since then I have really tried to mend my wicked ways, and my effort is paying off. Now when you search Google for 'examples of immoral behavior', Berry's World has fallen all the way to 6th.
Living right does have it's rewards.
Our local NBC affiliate is reporting the jury in the Jeremy Morse case is deadlocked. Morse is the former Inglewood police officer accused of using excessive force while arresting 16-year-old Donovan Jackson. This would be the second jury to deadlock on Morse, as a jury voted 7-5 to convict last July.
While I didn’t sit through either trial, and the jurors know a hell of a lot more about the case than I do, come on! Did they watch the tape? The kid was handcuffed and Morse unleashed a haymaker on him.
UPDATE: It's official. The jury was split 6-6, after 3 days of deliberations, and the judge declared a hung jury. It remains to be seen if Morse will be re-tried.
DEVIL HIS DUE
Mickey Kaus asks a pretty good question concerning the possible tension bewteen Governor Dean's camp and Senator Kerry's camp:
Do you think there might be some salutary bad blood between Dean and Kerry--with Dean resenting, along with many of his supporters, what they perceive as Kerry's hardball ground tactics in Iowa and New Hampshire?
This passage from Lisa Depaulo's profile of Joe Trippi seems to give us an affirmative answer:
His phone rings again. "WHAT? Aw, fuck. I hate this business. This fucking sucks. Okay, thanks." He hangs up. "They're robocalling our ones," he moans. Their "ones" are the Iowans they've identified as absolutely, positively Dean voters (though it would turn out that they were absolutely, positively wrong on the number). He has just gotten a report from the field that Dean "ones" are getting bombarded with computer-generated phone calls telling them to make sure to caucus for Dean—then giving them the wrong address.
Who would do such a thing?
"Kerry," he snaps. "They're the only asshole snake campaign that would do it." He sighs. "Every frickin' day now, I'm reminded of why I got out of this in the first place."
Of course, this was before Trippi's most recent exit from the business for a completely different reason.
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE
It’s official. Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. sold the Los Angeles Dodgers to Frank McCourt. You’ll have to forgive Dodger fans for being less than overwhelmed. While McCourt bought the club for $430 million dollars, not even half of the money paid is his. News Corp. was so eager to dump the Dodgers that they lent McCourt more than one-third of the purchase price.
McCourt immediately showed Dodger fans he meant business by hiring serious baseball people. His first act was to appoint his wife Jamie as Vice Chairman of the club.
In an effort to inspire fans, McCourt is already talking big. "Things need to be done and will be done," he said. "The team lacks excitement, and I want to win this year."
Of course, you have to wonder, if the guy can’t afford to buy the team on his own, can he afford to spend more money on the offense the Dodgers so desperately need?
Rumors are already spreading through the Southland that McCourt is going to try and increase revenue quickly. One possibility is to sell corporate naming rights to Dodger Stadium, but the smart money is that McCourt will tear down Dodger Stadium and build homes at Chavez Ravine. Of course, that plan relies on McCourt getting public financing for a downtown stadium. Considering the citizens of Los Angeles have refused, time and time again, to put up a single dollar to bring in an NFL team, McCourt might have a hard time getting his new stadium.
It looks like, once again, Southern California will only have one Major League Baseball team; the Anaheim Angels.
WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
Sanford Circuit Judge Gene Stephenson has apologized for what he felt was an inappropriate remark.
Sitting on a rape case, Judge Stephenson looked at a picture of the beaten and bruised 57-year-old victim and asked:
"Why would he want to rape her? She doesn't look like a day at the beach."
Judge Stephenson claims he doesn’t remember making the remark, but court transcripts showed that he did.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
It’s been a bizarre week for police chases in Los Angeles.
Wednesday, police tried to pull over a woman who was illegally in the car pool lane, only to have her lead them on a medium-speed chase on freeways and surface streets. In Whittier, an MTA (Metropolitan Transportation Authority) officer got in front of her car, pointing and yelling at her while keeping one hand on his side-holstered gun. CHP (California Highway Patrol) officers surrounded the car, busted out the window, and dragged the woman into custody. Local news anchors, covering the chase live, were breathless in their praise of the MTA officer. Yesterday it was reported the man was NOT an MTA officer, but was merely wearing an MTA jacket. Further, his hand on his side was actually only covering a cell-phone and not a weapon. No reports on whether the man is facing any charges.
Thursday, two suspects led police on a high-speed chase that, at times, topped 100 miles an hour. And, as if this chase wasn't dangerous enough, many people came out of their homes and waved at the suspects as the pursuit continued. At one point, the driver leaned his entire upper body out of the car to wave at the helicopters, and a youth standing on the street threw his bike at the car. The driver eventually crashed into a pick-up truck, and both suspects were taken into custody. No reports on damage to the bike.
DID HE MEAN EVERYBODY?
In December, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told Californians that tough times meant we all have to pull together:
This state doesn't have any money right now. And therefore, we are forced into making cuts into programs. And I'm asking everyone in California that we have to tighten our belts, and everyone has to give here, because it is very tough. And like I said there is no money.
Apparently the Republicans weren't listening.
SB 1067, which would rescind a law that lets expatriate companies deduct a portion of their income from state taxes and would also ban those companies from winning state contracts, failed in the California Senate.
Thanks to the Republicans' party-line vote, companies that reincorporate in tax-friendly havens, such as Bermuda, will still be able escape paying $10 million dollars a year in state taxes. However, that figure could grow to $132 million dollars a year over the next decade, according to the Franchise Tax Board.
In a year where the state budget slashes funding for health and human services, education and local governments while increasing fees for public colleges and universities, it's nice to know the Republicans are looking out for big guys.
BOY, THAT BAR GOT LOWERED
'You are a hero to mankind.'
John Travolta, to Oprah Winfrey on her 50th birthday.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
CHECK OUT THE RACK ON THAT PANDA
CBS News reports that panda bears are not all that interested in sex. Of course, experts got right to work:
So Chinese scientists are trying a little panda pandering -- making a video starring a couple of x-rated pandas -- explaining the birds and bees to bears.
(Insert your own X-rated 'porno for pandas' joke here.)
IN-DEPTH STUDY: WAL-MART WOULD BE GOOD FOR SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!!
The Los Angeles County Economic Development Corporation (LAEDC) has released an in-depth study showing the numerous benefits Southern Californians would receive if we allowed Wal-Mart Supercenters into town:
---Supercenter customers will save an average of 15 percent on their groceries!
---Price competition will lead to reduced prices at existing grocery chains, providing customers who shop at stores other than Wal-Mart average savings of 10 percent!
---Increased competition in non-grocery items will lead to price reductions averaging three percent at general merchandise and apparel competitors!
---Consumers in the City of Los Angeles are conservatively estimated to save at least $668 million annually, or $524 per household, per year!
---Consumers in Los Angeles County are conservatively estimated to save at least $1.78 billion annually, or $569 per household, per year!
My gosh, it all sounds so fabulous, right?
Of course, there was one tiny little thing that caused me concern:
The consulting practice of the Los Angeles County Economic Development Corporation (LAEDC) was commissioned by Wal-Mart Stores Inc. to conduct an even-handed assessment of the potential impact of its Supercenters on Southern California."
Considering Wal-Mart paid for the ‘even-handed’ study, is it surprising that the results are so spectacular?
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
OH, SO THAT’S HOW DEFICITS WORK
Townhall.com columnist Jay Bryant shows how President Bush will handle that messy deficit problem in the general election. Basically, the Republican position on deficits is ‘It’s just a matter of luck’:
People now know that while they don't understand the budget deficit, nobody else does, either. That's the legacy of the 1990's, when, to the utter shock and astonishment of even the most learned experts, the monstrous, God-awful budget deficit the nation had been building for decades suddenly went poof like a magician's rabbit. One Thursday, we had this gigantic deficit. Then we woke up Friday morning and it was all gone and we had a surplus. By the following Tuesday, the surplus was so huge it looked like the government was going to be able to buy every American an SUV, maybe two, with roof racks.
The economists all gathered in corners and muttered to one another, "You know what happened?" "Heck, no, I don't know what happened. You know what happened?"
Yeah, that’s how the ‘90’s played out. All of a sudden the deficit snuck out of town, and wah-lah, we had a brand spanking new surplus. Wait, it gets better:
But if the surplus could just show up, uninvited, like your brother-in-law on Thanksgiving, then all the doom and gloom about deficits is just so much swamp gas. The surplus didn't last because of 9-11. But it could come back, just when you least expect it. Anybody checked Fox Breaking News this afternoon? Heck, the new surplus could be here already.
To be helpful, I checked to be sure that that transient surplus didn’t pop-up in Washington last night, and it hadn’t. The CBO is projecting a $477 million deficit by the end of 2004, with the debt doubling if Congress makes President Bush's tax cuts permanent, according to the CBO. In fact, the federal deficit is expected to reach a $2.4 trillion deficit by 2014. But, when it comes to the deficit during the election, Bryant counsels:
So until the economic Einstein arrives, explaining the budget deficit is a matter of faith, not science. And since the US Constitution mandates the separation of faith and politics, the deficit is not a political issue. Wake me when it's over.
Unfortunately, it seems that Bryant has been sleeping long enough.
WHICH HISTORICAL LUNATIC ARE YOU?
I’m proud to say that, after taking the test over at Rum And Monkey, that I am Charles VI of France. The lunacy of Chuck VI was highlighted by his hair and nails falling out, hiding from imaginary assassins, and a complete lack of hygiene until several men were hired to blacken their faces, hide, jump out and shout "boo!", upon which he resumed basic hygiene.
My God, it’s like Charles VI and I were identical twins!
(By the way, there is also a How Dumb Are You? test at Rum And Monkey, but I don't want to talk about the results from that one.)
AH, THAT HARDHITTING LOCAL NEWS
Even though they won’t be showing the Super Bowl, our local ABC affiliate is getting in on the action by showing clips of some of the COMMERCIALS that will be seen during the broadcast of the big game. During the news!
I kept waiting for one of the anchors to pull a Kent Brockman and say:
Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night, or you can turn to another channel…Oh. Do not turn to another channel.
MOVE OVER PARIS
A new Dr. J highlight film, featuring Hall of Fame roundballer Julius Erving going to the hole, as it were, has surfaced just in time to affect his divorce negotiations.
PRESIDENT BUSH-A SYMPATHETIC FIGURE?
When Michael Moore called President Bush a 'deserter', he accomplished two things. He damaged the candidacy of the man he endorsed, General Wesley Clark, but he also gave the Democrats an opportunity.
You think I’m kidding about Moore hurting General Clark? Check the poll numbers:
1-17-04 Michael Moore calls President Bush as deserter. General Clark is in 2nd place at 20%.
1-18-04 General Clark is in 2nd place at 20%.
1-19-04 General Clark is in 3rd place at 19%.
1-20-04 General Clark is in 3rd place at 18%.
1-21-04 General Clark is in 3rd place at 19%.
1-22-04 Peter Jennings asks General Clark about Moore’s comment in the Democratic debate. General Clark is in 2nd place at 20%.
1-23-04 General Clark is in 2nd place at 19%.
1-24-04 General Clark is in 2nd place at 17%.
1-25-04 General Clark is in 3rd place at 15%.
1-26-04 General Clark is in 4th place at 13%.
1-27-04 New Hampshire primary day: General Clark finishes 3rd at 12%.
20% to 12% in ten days is quite a drop. Naturally, General Clark's slide began in earnest after Jennings asked about Moore's comment during the Democratic debate, but that’s because most people don’t follow this stuff as closely as people who read political websites do. No matter what Moore’s intentions were, there is no denying he hurt General Clark’s chances.
The problem is, and Moore fails to see this, he is as polarizing as Ann Coulter. Sure, some Democrats love him, but among Republicans and Independents, he’s seen as an obnoxious blowhard. Further, combine that general opinion with the fact that he called America’s commander in chief a deserter, possibly the worst insult you can heap on somebody in this country, and Moore accomplished what was nearly impossible. He made President Bush a sympathetic figure.
Now, Moore did create an opportunity for Democrats (although probably not for General Clark) in that President Bush’s military record is back on the table. It’s possible that the media will take a fresh look at President Bush’s military record (or lack thereof) during the upcoming campaign, but that all depends on the Democrats. The Democrats have to do something to push this issue front and center:
They have to stop calling President Bush a deserter.
To the average American, a deserter is somebody who flees his post during combat. Every Democrat in the country can argue at the top of his or her lungs that this is exactly what President Bush did for the next fifty years, and the general public will still not believe it. Rightly or wrongly, the average American will NEVER believe that President Bush is a deserter. Moreover, calling President Bush a deserter will only cause the average voter to rally around him. We can attack his policies all we want, but when we start attacking the core of his character with this type of vile insult, the people will turn against us.
So, if the Democrats want to have any chance at evicting President Bush from the White House, we need to do two things. First, we need to stop calling President Bush a deserter, whether we believe it or not, and secondly, we need to find a way to get Michael Moore to shut the hell up.
Obviously, we stand a much better chance to accomplish the former.
OH YEAH, HOW DID I FORGET THAT ONE?
With so many great blogs around, I often find myself forgetting about one only to remember it later and wonder "How could I forget about that one?" This happened to me again when I realized I hadn't read Bitter Girl in months.
I feel horrible because Bitter Girl gave us one of the funniest posts ever with:
Children's Books That Will Never Be Published:
1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
While they all kill me, number 10 made me snort Diet Pepsi out of my nose.
IS PRESIDENT BUSH VP SHOPPING?
Rumors are circulating that President Bush may dump Vice President Cheney from the Republican ticket for the general election in November, with former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani being considered as the odds on favorite to replace him. Could it possibly be true?
Don’t bet on it.
The only person who will stop Vice President Cheney from running again is Vice President Cheney.
Being removed from a national ticket is historical, and Vice President Dick Cheney, even if he eventually jumps (read: health reasons, family time), will not take it sitting down. Being banished from the ticket is like being repudiated by your family, or voted off the island on Survivor. It’s flat out embarrassing and the ultra plugged in Veep would make his under-qualified boss pay.
AND YOU THOUGHT THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION STORY WAS A WHOPPER!
Pick any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie you want, and I guarantee you the plot is far more realistic and believable than Governor Schwarzenegger’s explanation for the illegal loan he took out during his campaign last summer. In addition to calling the ruling, which says that he broke the law, ‘great’ and ‘fantastic’, we get this story from Governor Schwarzenegger in this morning’s LA Times:
Schwarzenegger said he had been out on the campaign trail and unable to write a check himself to cover campaign expenses. Being a "hands-on guy when it comes to money," he said, it was not the sort of task he liked to delegate to others. So instead, he said, he authorized the $4.5-million bank loan that was the subject of Superior Court Judge Loren E. McMaster's ruling Monday.
He was too busy to write a check, so he simply took out a $4.5 million dollar bank loan.
What's even more laughable is this spin from the Governor "It was a great decision by the judge. Exactly what we intended to do." Of course that might be a bit more believable had Governor Schwarzenegger not 'filed a motion arguing that the case should be dismissed and accusing the plaintiff of filing the measure to chill the governor's 1st Amendment rights.'
The sad thing is that as ridiculous as this story is, there will be some people out there that buy it. After all, even Red Sonja grossed $6.9 million dollars.
THOSE YOUTHFUL INDESCRETIONS
Cleveland Indians minor leaguer Kazuhito Tadano is asking for forgiveness for what he called a one-time mistake -- his appearance in a gay porn video in which he engaged in a homosexual act.
Tadano, a pitcher with a good chance to make the Indians...um...well... staff this spring wanted to set the record straight about one thing:
"I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now."
What on earth would give anybody that idea?
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
IF ONLY WE HAD SOMETHING TO COMPARE THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES TO
"This is a marathon, and not a sprint."
Tim Russert-NBC News
"This is a marathon…"
Michael Dukakis- Former Governor of Massachusetts
"This is a marathon now…"
Steve McMahon, Media Consultant to Governor Dean
"This is a marathon, not a sprint."
Dave Nagle, Former Member of Congress from Iowa
"This is a marathon."
Virginia Representative Robert C. Scott, D-Newport News
"This is a marathon, and not a sprint,"
Bobby Gregory, Member of Senator Kerry's National Finance Committee
KEEPING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
In the race for the Democratic nomination for president, Senator Bob Graham, Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun and Representative Dick Gephardt are gone. Representative Dennis Kucinich and Reverend Al Sharpton have no chance to win but seem intent on staying in the race. Senator Joe Lieberman is teetering on the brink of extinction. General Wesley Clark and Senator John Edwards seemingly need to capture lightning in a bottle to have a real shot. Governor Howard Dean has seen his status as the frontrunner evaporate, and Senator John Kerry is the odds on favorite to face President George W. Bush in the general election this November.
All of this has happened because about 340,000 Democrats have cast their ballots.
WELL, THAT WAS ODD
On my TV I have the closed captioning turned on, mainly because I can't figure out how to turn them off. Actually, I have kind of gotten used to them. So much so that I miss them when I'm watching a show that doesn't have closed captions. For example, tonight's edition of Dateline is closed caption-free. Well not totally closed caption-free, as for a couple of minutes this single line came across the bottom of the screen:
Ta Da, I Feel Like Shit
Maybe it's just me, but I found that kind of strange.
CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! (PART TWO)
Yesterday, it was Atrios and Andy Sullivan trading barbs, and today we have a new dust-up between The Rittenhouse Review and Wonkette. Apparently, the usually levelheaded Jim Capozzola took offense to Wonkette’s assessment of Media Whores Online’s reporting on the alleged “KURTZ PROBE”:
There have been reader inquiries as to the reliability of Media Whores Online as a news source for the Kurtz item below. Here's our take: They are not reliable at all. Repeat: Not reliable at all. Somewhere below Drudge and above a Ouija board. More politically motivated than either.
Truth be told, I have my doubts about MWO’s coverage, as well. I mean, who’s investigating Kurtz? The only people I can think of who might have something to say about what Kurtz puts in his column would be the higher-ups at the Washington Post, and they wouldn't investigate him as much as fire him if they felt he crossed the line.
But Capozzola has decided that any blogger who links to Wonkette will not get a link from The Rittenhouse Review. Now would be the time for Jim to take a deep breath. Wonkette is simply offering their opinion, like we all do. If their opinion is way off base, blog about it, but threatening others with the loss of a link is pretty, well, Republican-esque.
Come on Jim, cut it out. You’re better than that. Besides, the folks at Media Whores Online are big people and they can take care of themselves.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I do enjoy my reciprocal link with The Rittenhouse Review, and have not linked to Wonkette. However, if I lose my link with The Review, I certainly expect Wonkette to replace it with a link from them.)
CABLE RATINGS FOR DENNIS MILLER'S DEBUT
Dennis Miller's debut on CNBC finished a distant third in the cable news stations race, although he did open a can of whoopass on Deborah Norville:
1) Hannity and Colmes---1.7 million viewers.
2) Larry King Live---1.3 million viewers.
3) Dennis Miller---746,000 viewers.
4) Deborah Norville Tonight---307,000 viewers.
While Miller's debut was spectacular by CNBC standards, most new shows see a declining viewership in the weeks after their debut. That doesn't bode well for Mr. Miller.
I FEEL SO CHEAP AND DIRTY
Since last October, numerous charges have been leveled that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger bought the Governorship, (and not quite legally, as The Gropinator points out). If the charge is true, it’s pretty humiliating considering how cheap the state’s highest office went for.
In the 1998 general election for Governor of California, Gray Davis spent $28.6 million to defeat Dan Lungren, who spent $23.8 million.
In the 2002 general election Governor Gray Davis and Republican challenger Bill Simon spent about $100 million between them.
To win the 2003 recall election Governor Schwarzenegger spent a grand total of $10.6 million dollars.
When the hell did California get marked down and tossed into the discount bin?
Monday, January 26, 2004
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: IN A NUTSHELL
Here's the transcript of remarks by the President to the press pool while President Bush was ordering some ribs at the Nothin' Fancy Cafe:
THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs.
Q: Mr. President, how are you?
THE PRESIDENT: I'm hungry and I'm going to order some ribs.
Q: What would you like?
THE PRESIDENT: Whatever you think I'd like.
Q: Sir, on homeland security, critics would say you simply haven't spent enough to keep the country secure.
THE PRESIDENT: My job is to secure the homeland and that's exactly what we're going to do. But I'm here to take somebody's order. That would be you, Stretch -- what would you like? Put some of your high-priced money right here to try to help the local economy. You get paid a lot of money, you ought to be buying some food here. It's part of how the economy grows. You've got plenty of money in your pocket, and when you spend it, it drives the economy forward. So what would you like to eat?
Q: Right behind you, whatever you order.
THE PRESIDENT: I'm ordering ribs. David, do you need a rib?
Q: But Mr. President --
THE PRESIDENT: Stretch, thank you, this is not a press conference. This is my chance to help this lady put some money in her pocket. Let me explain how the economy works. When you spend money to buy food it helps this lady's business. It makes it more likely somebody is going to find work. So instead of asking questions, answer mine: are you going to buy some food?
THE PRESIDENT: Okay, good. What would you like?
THE PRESIDENT: Ribs? Good. Let's order up some ribs.
Q: What do you think of the democratic field, sir?
THE PRESIDENT: See, his job is to ask questions, he thinks my job is to answer every question he asks. I'm here to help this restaurant by buying some food. Terry, would you like something?
Q: An answer.
Q: Can we buy some questions?
THE PRESIDENT: Obviously these people -- they make a lot of money and they're not going to spend much. I'm not saying they're overpaid, they're just not spending any money.
Q: Do you think it's all going to come down to national security, sir, this election?
THE PRESIDENT: One of the things David does, he asks a lot of questions, and they're good, generally.
It's nice to see President Bush trying to 'help this restaurant by buying some food', right? On the other hand, David Froomkin, in his White House Briefing column also gives us this tidbit:
Lastly, it has been widely reported that Bush left no tip.
Ah, help the restaurant owner, and screw the help. Doesn't this just confirm EVERYTHING you believe about President Bush?
HER NAME WAS TIFFANY EUNICK
Talk Left celebrates the release of Lionel Tate from prison with this post:
Could there be any more good news today? Lionel Tate has been freed from prison at the age of 16--after serving three years of a life sentence in Florida for killing a playmate.
While I hate to rain on their parade, I would like to point out a few facts that were seemingly missing from Talk Left’s jubilant post.
Lionel Tate is a liar and a murderer. His initial story concerning the death of the little girl his mother was supposed to be babysitting, was that, while imitating professional wrestling moves, he accidentally hit her against a table. Then it became he hit her against a wall and a banister accidentally as he was trying to toss her onto a couch. Finally Lionel said he accidentally killed her when he jumped on top of her as she lay at the bottom of a staircase.
Something else that was missing from Talk Left’s post was this:
That’s the name of the 6-year-old girl who Tate murdered. Tiffany weighed 50 pounds when she was beaten to death by the 12-year-old, 180 pound Tate. Further, Tate still hasn’t come clean about the murder, as his story doesn’t come close to explaining the injuries he delivered to Tiffany.
Tiffany suffered 35 injuries consistent with a prolonged beating which included a contused and cut face, a fractured skull, broken ribs, internal hemorrhaging, and a detached liver.
Let me repeat that: a detached liver.
Experts compared the trauma to falling from a three-story building.
Now, I don’t think that Tate should have gotten the life sentence that he originally received, but I surely think that Tiffany Eunick’s life was worth more than three years.
Could there be any more good news today?
Yes, there could. Tate’s mother, Kathleen Grossett-Tate, could serve the rest of Lionel Tate’s life sentence. She was the adult, charged with the care of Tiffany, who was upstairs watching TV when she heard a commotion from downstairs. She yelled down for the kids to “settle down”, and didn’t descend the stairs until 40 minutes later, when her son had already beaten Tiffany to death. She’s the one who turned down the original offer of 3 years because she thought her son was innocent. "How do you accept a plea for second-degree murder when your child was just playing?" she asked. She’s the one who still, to this day, “maintains that the death was accidental”
Maybe people are happy that a young man will get a second chance at life, but let’s not forget that there was a little girl involved, and she gets no second chance.
Because Lionel Tate murdered her by beating her to death.
CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!
A war has broken out betwixt Atrios and Andy Sullivan, and, so far, it appears Mr. Sullivan is ahead on points. Apparently, during last night’s radio appearance (I didn’t listen as I was still in a snit over not being invited) Sully claimed that Atrios never seems to criticize the left. ‘You’re a liar’, Atrios fired back.
Today, Sully threw down the gauntlet and asked for some examples of Atrios badmouthing the left, or goodmouthing President Bush. Atrios responded by pointing out that Sully initially claimed that he (Atrios) never criticizes the left, but now by asking for examples of when he’s said something good about President Bush he (Sullivan) is ‘shifting the goal post’. (Memo to Atrios: By using the word ‘or’ Sullivan shifted it closer to you, so this complaint is a little lame.) Atrios continued with a lengthy post claiming that no matter what examples he offers, Sullivan won’t accept them. Atrios did, generally, mention numerous times he’s criticized individual Democrats, but provides no links to such posts.
Sullivan then responded by stating that no precise examples were given and requested that if Atrios can’t provide them, he’d ‘appreciate him withdarwing (sic) the notion that I was committing a lie.’
The ball is firmly in Atrios court.
What I don't get is why Atrios doesn't just give him some examples. I mean, here's three examples of me ripping members of the left in the last week. Considering that Atrios writes like a kajillion more posts than I do, it shouldn't be that tough, should it?
IT WAS IN THE DAILY NEWS, SO ONLY 8 OR 9 NINE PEOPLE READ IT ANYWAY
While reading the latest column by Chris Weinkopf, editorial page editor for the L.A. Daily News, I thought the guy is either in possession of the driest sarcastic wit in America, or is lucky that his employer doesn’t care much for the little things, like journalistic integrity. After rereading his column, it's clear Weinkopf is lacking both wit and integrity.
In yesterday’s editorial, Weinkopf laments that the ‘Hypocrisy Police’ have fallen down on the job. While the ‘Hypocrisy Police’ were all in a lather over Rush Limbaugh’s admission that he was addicted to painkillers, they were mute when it came to Senator John Kerry, Senator John Edwards, and Governor Howard Dean. Weinkopf notes that after ‘culling thousands of hours of radio broadcasts, the Hypocrisy Police dug up an offhand comment in which Limbaugh bemoaned the social damage wrought by illegal drug use, noting that offenders "ought to be sent up."’
Apparently it’s no wonder that the Los Angeles Times is beating the Daily News' brains in, as it’s quite obvious that employees of the Daily News lack access to the Internet. Had Weinkopf bothered to invest .23 seconds (according to Google) he would have found that Limbaugh’s comments concerning drugs, and the users thereof, constituted a tad more than merely a single, ‘offhand comment’:
"What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use, too many whites are getting away with drug sales, too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff. The answer to this disparity is not to start letting people out of jail because we're not putting others in jail who are breaking the law. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."
"It's kind of like sentencing. A lot of people say that we have a heavy sentence for this crime and a light sentence for another crime, and what we ought to do is reduce the heavy sentence so it's more in line with the other. Wrong. In most cases we ought to increase the light sentence and make it compatible with the heavy sentence, and be serious about punishment because we are becoming too tolerant as a society, folks, especially of crime, in too many parts of the country."
These tough sentencing laws were instituted for a reason. The American people, including liberals, demanded them. Don't you remember the crack cocaine epidemic? Crack babies and out-of-control murder rates? Liberal judges giving the bad guys slaps on the wrist? Finally we got tough, and the crime rate has been falling ever since, so what's wrong?
I have a solution for Mrs. [Jocelyn] Elders. I mean, if she wants to legalize drugs, send the people who want to do drugs to London and Zurich and let's be rid of them. Now...The problem with legalizing drugs is, it's just another abhorrent example of human behavior that we've suddenly decided, "Hey, we can't handle it. We've given up and we're going to sanction the destruction of lives. We're going to let you destroy your life. We're going to make it easy, and then all of us who accept the responsibilities of life and don't destroy our lives on drugs--we'll pay for whatever messes you get into."...
I'm appalled at people who simply want to look at all this abhorrent behavior and say, "Hey, you know, we can't control it anymore. People are going to do drugs anyway. Let's legalize it." It's a dumb idea. It's a rotten idea, and those who are for it are purely, 100 percent selfish.
I want to let you read along with me a quote from Jerry Colangelo about substance abuse, and I think you'll find that he's very much right…"I know every expert in the world will disagree with me, but I don't buy into the disease part of it. The first time you reach for a substance you are making a choice. Every time you go back, you are making a personal choice. I feel very strongly about that."...
What he's saying is that if there's a line of cocaine here, I have to make the choice to go down and sniff it….And his point is that we are rationalizing all this irresponsibility and all the choices people are making and we're blaming not them, but society for it. All these Hollywood celebrities say the reason they're weird and bizarre is because they were abused by their parents. So we're going to pay for that kind of rehab, too, and we shouldn't. It's not our responsibility. It's up to the people who are doing it. And Colangelo is right.
All right. Joe Fernandez came to New York from Miami, ladies and gentlemen, to be schools chancellor.... Now he is embattled--he's got a book that just came out, an autobiography that's soon to come out, I think, in which he admits that he was a mainliner as a teen-ager. This guy [pretends to stick needle in arm]--pfsst--shot up heroin. And people are praising him. He overcame the scourge. He triumphed over that profound obstacle in his life and has gone on to become this great schools chancellor.... [Plays a clip of Fernandez saying that the message of his teenage drug use is "to not give up on our kids."]
Reach out and try to help them, not give up on the kids, give them condoms and teach them about a bunch of stuff that is worthless in terms of preparing them for their future as adults in the greatest country on Earth, teaching them all this social gobbledygook. "Let's not forget about the kids."...
Whoa. The guy wants to be education secretary, folks. Watch out. Now why does he want to go to Washington? Probably because he's studied the case of Marion Barry. Here's a guy who got involved in drugs. You want to see my Marion Barry impersonation? Do you want to see that? All right. I'll do the Marion Barry impersonation.
You put some stuff out here on the table and you go [pretends to snort cocaine]. "You tell Jesse to stay out of my town. This is my town, and Jesse--you tell him to stay out. [More snorting.] And I said no, no, no, no, I don't smoke it no more. Tired of ending up on the floor." [More snorting.]
So what is he? He gets involved in drugs and ends up, ladies and gentlemen, as a newly elected official in Washington, D.C.... So I'm sure Joe Fernandez is looking down there saying, "Hey, there's a future for, you know, drug users in Washington, D.C."
But what burns Weinkopf’s apple is that while people were recognizing Limbaugh for the hypocrite that he is, they laid off Senator John Kerry, Senator John Edwards, and Governor Howard Dean who…wait for it…admitted smoking pot in the past. Futher, they are now not advocating legalizing marijuana!
What Weinkopf doesn’t seem to grasp is that there is a difference between somebody who learns from his mistakes, and one who rails against the very same behavior that he is taking part in. Of course, recognizing that would eliminate Weinkopf's chance to take cheap shots at some of the Democratic candidates, and he can't have that.
REPUBLICANS EATING THEIR OWN
The conservative website RightMarch.com is soliciting donations so they can rid the nation of "The Worst Liberal Senator". Who are they out to get? Senator Ted Kennedy? Senator Diane Feinstein? Senator Hillary Clinton?
Nope, they are attempting to raise enough money to dump Arlen Specter (R-PA). One of the many crimes against humanity Specter is accused of is having sponsored as many Democrats for federal judgeships as Republicans.
Talk about your win-win. If the convervative group is successful, Democrat Joe Hoeffel should beat Republican Pat Toomey like Ricky Ricardo’s conga drum. Then again, a battered and bloody Specter will have a much harder time in the general election if Rightmarch.com fails.
HOPEFULLY, THIS HEADLINE BECOMES INOPERABLE AFTER TOMORROW
Democrats attack administration over Kay's comments
Candidates split on reaction to former weapons inspector
Split? Yeah, Senator Lieberman claims that Saddam Hussein WAS a weapon of mass destruction.
You can only imagine him a few hundred years ago saying "And I don't care what Chris Columbus says, the world IS flat!"
Sunday, January 25, 2004
LOVELY RITA INQUIRES DISCREETLY
I’m betting that, like me, you are constantly being inundated with e-mails with offers to join pyramid schemes, or to ‘make money with your computer’, or stuff envelopes. Naturally, I delete them faster than Matt Drudge can fabricate a news story. However, one that always amuses me is the ‘Trustee Needed’ scam. Somebody, usually an African official needs your help in transferring a large sum of money out of their country, and if you help, you get a big, fat share of it. I mean, it just sounds so ridiculous, I wonder if anybody would ever fall for it. Of course, somebody has, or they wouldn’t keep trying it.
After receiving numerous emails from Rita Edula making a similar offer, I decided to write back. The following is a complete, unedited account of our correspondence:
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 15:11:49 +0100
From:"edulakomak" Add to Address Book
Subject: FROM MRS RITA EDULA,PLEASE RESPOND URGENTLY
Mrs.Rita Edula Komaki,
Block 18,room 6,
Kinshasha Refugee Camp,
Confidential Email Address:
You may be surprised to receive my letter,I got your recommendation from a close associate of my late husband who assured me in confidence of your ability/reliability to champion the course of a pending transaction that requires maximum confidence.On the strenght of the above, I will introduce myself without reservation.
My name is MRS.RITA EDULA KOMAKI, I am the wife of MR.EDULA KOMAKI, former Personal Assistant to the Late Congo President, LURENT KABILA, who alongside was assasinated in February 2001 with the late President.My aim of writing to you is as a result of my fervent search for a trusted and honest person, whom I can entrust a huge sum of money my husband left before his death.
Source of the money: My husband and the late president secured this money in a bank here in Nigeria in my husband‘s name before their death. Now that they are late, I want to transfer the money out from the present bank for investment in your country, I can not travel out of Senegal where I am on asylum, hence I am asking for your assistance to have this money in your care pending when I will secure travel documents to come over to your country with my three kids.
If you accept this offer we shall share the money as follows: for you, 25%, 75% for me. I have all the titled documents to the fund which I can transfer to you to enable you have assess to it. Be assured that is risk-free and legitimate. Please advise me on your position by e-mail immedaitely,indicating your phone and fax numbers.
Please I await your prompt reply.
MRS.RITA EDULA KOMAKI.
Date: Sun, 18 Jan 2004 12:28:33 -0800 (PST)
From: Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: FROM MRS RITA EDULA,PLEASE RESPOND URGENTLY
Please forgive the late reply, as I just got back in
town this very morning from holiday in Palm Beach. I
was so touched by your plight. As Americans, we often
forget how hard things are for people in other parts
of the world.
I must say, I am honored that an associate of mine
would think so highly of me to recommend me to you.
Frankly, I didn't know any of my friends had dealings
in Senegal. I know my friends, the Coopers, are fairly
well connected in Sarasota, so, may I ask, were they
the party who recommended me?
As anyone who knows me will attest, I have the utmost
respect for a single mother. Having been raised by a
single mother, who was married for most of my youth, I
do know what sort for pain your kids are going
through. I want to do whatever I can to help.
Please, tell what you would have me do, and I will
waste no time in doing it. Also, please accept my
condolences for the loss of your husband.
William 'Buzz' Phillips
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 2004 11:24:25 +0100
From:"EDULA KOMAKI" Add to Address Book
Subject: FROM MRS.RITA EDULA (SENEGAL)
I am very pleased with your position in your reply to my mail.However,I
am glad you know what goes on in this part of the world as an
American.I am a woman of 39yrs with a family of three children all living under
fears of the unknown.I appreceiate your sincere concern for my children
I need you desperately to assist me in keeping this fund in safe
custody without being greedy to cheat on me or take advantage of my present
condition and abscond with the money which is entirely my hope and
resort. I will very much appreciate it if you can give your absolute trust
and confidentiality and assist me in receiving this money and put it
into investment for my children and I.
I have an experienced lawyer who will undertake the pocedure in
ensuring a risk free and smooth transfer of this funds to you. I will
introduce you to the Lawyer who will educate you properly on the procedures.
I have in my poccession the legal document evidencing the transaction .
I am awaiting your reply so that I will inform the bank about my
intention to transfer the money. Please inform me of your readiness and
trust Worthiness immediately so that we can go ahead with the transfer
procedure of the money to you. I await your urgent reply.
Mrs.Rita Edula Komaki
(Editor's note: Apparently, Rita was very anxious to do this thing, as she wrote me the next day before I had answered the previous letter.)
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 12:04:21 +0100
From:"EDULA KOMAKI" Add to Address Book
Subject: URGENT REMINDER
I am still waiting anxiously to hear from you after my mail of
yesterday. Please endevour to contact me today because time is not in my
favour, I have wasted a lot of time waiting for your response to my
proposal until you responded yesterday when I had almost given up hope.
Please do not take too long to contact me.
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:52:16 -0800 (PST)
From: Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: URGENT REMINDER
Please accept my apologies for the lateness in my
reply. As I spend most days in the city, working on my
late parents foundation, I usually only check my
professional e-mail and often overlook my personal
account on Yahoo. I'm terribly sorry.
Secondly, please, feel free to call me Buzz. My father
was William, and I always feel like people are
referring to him when I hear the name. Trust me, you
have no idea what it is like to be raised by a strict
disciplinarian. If I didn't have the support of our
maid and housekeeping staff, I don't think I ever
would have made it to adulthood.
Now, on to your situation, I have spoken to the
attorney at the foundation who is very knowledgeable
in trusts and estates, but he doesn't really
understand the situation. He did say that whatever
attorney you need me to deal with must be well versed
in U.S. law.
So, please let me know what you need me to do to help.
By the way, considering that you are a single woman
with children, I don't want you to have to give me 25%
of your savings. You need that money far more than I
do. I await your instructions and am at your disposal.
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 11:38:10 +0100
From: "EDULA KOMAKI" Add to Address Book
Subject: PLEASE CONTACT MY LAWYER (RITA EDULA)
So glad to hear from you once again after haven wondered what kept you delayed before responding to my mail. I accept your apology and I do understand how tight your schedule is from what you just told me.
I will need you to please contact my lawyer immediately since I have briefed him in detail over your acceptance to help me get this fund transfered to your country.The lawyer has been a very close associate of my late husband and he is a dedicated and God fearing christian who is willing to do everything within his power in assisting with this project. I have assured him you are also a God sent that will bring me out of my present predicament. He is the one to give you all the guidelines that is required in this matter and I am sure he understands the legal undertones even in the U.S.
I want you to please note that as soon as this money is in your possesion, I will like to put the money into investment under your close supervision. More importantly, please bear in mind that you will assist my children and I to come over to your country as soon as this arrangement is concluded. Please contact him immediately based on what I just stated here and ask him what the mode of operation would be. The amount in question at the time of deposit is $9.3million US dollar plus interest over the last 3years.Please do not reveal this sum to anything except my lawyer who already knows.
This is the lawyer's contact information:
FIRM: Dan Musa & Associates,
These are the contact information, endevour to contact him today so that we can start the process of the transaction. Please treat this matter in close circle as a transaction that requires maximum confidentiality.
Thanks in anticipation of your cooperation.
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 11:16:04 -0800 (PST)
From: Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: PLEASE CONTACT MY LAWYER (RITA EDULA)
I'm afraid we might have a little bit of a problem. As
I have told you, I am a staunch supporter of single
mothers. However, first and foremost, I am an
American. As a card carrying Republican, I love my
country (unlike those treacherous Democrats!) and I
love my President.
The problem is that the attorney you are using, Dan
Musa, is located in Nigeria. As I'm sure you know,
Nigeria is the country that was attempting to secretly
sell aluminum tubes to Saddam Hussein in an effort to
get his nuclear weapons program off the ground.
While we have rid the planet of the evil of Saddam
Hussein, we still have to deal with Nigeria. From what
I've been hearing from Sean Hannity and Richard Perle,
true and loyal Americans will not do business with
Nigeria, or anybody from Nigeria.
Is there another attorney we can use? I do want to
help you, as I have been so touched by your plight,
but I cannot stab the honorable President George W.
Bush in the back by conducting any business with
somebody who was trying to help Saddam Hussein kill
I do hope you understand, and I certainly hope we can
find another attorney to deal with. I would hate for
you to lose your fortune, but, as I said, I'm a
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 14:00:34 +0100
From:"EDULA KOMAKI" Add to Address Book
Subject: PLEASE ADVICE ME BUZZ
thanks so much for your honesty with regards to my choice of a
Nigerian attorney.My reason being that the money in question is in Nigeria
and Barrister Dan Musa was my late Husband's associate before his death
and the man has agreed to assist me in this transaction without paying
his professional fees as an attorney until everything is
concluded.Though I had my fears and misgivings because my husband did not so much trust him when he was alive but due to the fact that I am in distress with
no finances to obtain the services of an attorney, I decided to use him
since he will not collect any money from me before doing the job.
In addition to what you just told me about Nigeria's involvement with
Sadam and his evil world, the country is presently bankrupt economically
and socially,their involvement in the Liberian war cannot be
over-enphasized.So you can see, I can not wait to get this money out of that
I have another choice of an attorney in another country (Republice of
Togo) a togolese whom I first approached but he made me understand that
I will pay 50% of his professional fees before he will start the job
because he needs money to and fro Nigeria and other expences like his
hotel bills,etc.And the balance after the money has been transfered to
Presently, you know that I am not capable of paying him. I have a lot
of trouble taking care of my three kids and it is practically impossible
for me to raise this money in the camp here.
Please advice me on what to do Buzz.
I hope to hear from you today.
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 13:32:01 -0800 (PST)
From: Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: PLEASE ADVICE ME BUZZ
Color me embarrassed, but I have a confession to make.
It turns out I have made a dreadful mistake. Last
evening, my wife Lady Duck and I were playing canasta
with Mr. And Mrs. Andrew Sullivan, and I mentioned your
situation. Andrew rightly pointed out that we proud
Americans are not prohibited from doing business in
Nigeria, but Niger. Niger was the country attempting
to help Saddam Hussein build nuclear weapons, and
Nigeria had nothing to do with it. Clearly, I made a
horrible error in advising you that I could not, in
good conscience, deal with your attorney Dan Musa. Oh,
by the way, when you do get here, please NEVER refer
to my wife as Lady Duck, as that is a private nickname
between us, and she would kill me if she knew I told
you about it. Let’s just say that it concerns her
webbed feet, and she is very self-conscience about
them. On the bright side, we did beat the Sullivans four
games out of five, as Andrew wouldn’t know how to lead
a heavy trumped hand to save his life.
So, being able to deal with attorney Musa in Nigeria,
I have gotten our passports from the safety deposit
box, and am going to call the travel agent this
afternoon to arrange plane tickets and hotel
reservations. Do you know of a good hotel to stay in
Nigeria? Normally, Lady Duck (shhh!) and I winter on
the small Hawaiian island of Molokai, as they have a
wonderful hotel (The Kensington) that is first rate. I
know what your thinking, why don’t Buzz and Lady Duck
winter in Andorra, Austria as the skiing is top
drawer? Truth be told, we used to make yearly sojourns
to Andorra, but in a moment of weakness, I had a tryst
with a local woman and now Lady Duck won’t allow us to
return. Anyway, please send me the names of the hotels
in Nigeria that you would recommend.
Now, how are YOU doing? It must be so difficult
waiting to leave and come to the United States. Can I
help with anything? Magazines? Movies? I have every
episode of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' on
videotape, and if you wish I could messenger copies to
you. At least it might help you pass the time faster.
So, as I await your hotel recommendations, I will
finalize our itinerary for Nigeria. I am so looking
forward to this trip, as it’s been absolute ages since
I’ve been on an adventure. My love to your children.
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2004 16:17:18 +0100
From: "EDULA KOMAKI" Add to Address Book
Subject: PLEASE CONTACT THE LAWYER
sorry I could not respond to your mail before now. The internet system
we use here in the camp was down and it just started this afternoon.
I am so glad to hear that you have made a mistake in your opinion about
Nigeria. I promise you that I will never call her by that name. You make her sound like a very sweet woman too.
Concerning the Travel arrangement and the Hotel reservation you talked
about, I am really sorry I do not know much about Nigeria, I only
visited there once and we stayed in our embassy guest house then. Please get
intouch with my lawyer Barrister Daniel Musa and discuss with him
because he is in the best position to brief you on this matter. He will
educate you on how the transaction will be done and the neccessary
information you need to know should also be required from him.
Please tell me more about yourself, how many children do you have and
what is your line of business? Please get back to me as soon as you are
through with Barr.Dan Musa.
I hope to hear from you.
COMING SOON: Buzz contacts the attorney!