Berry's World
Saturday, April 24, 2004
 
CUT HIS SORRY ASS, AND DO IT TODAY!

The St. Louis Rams are probably too busy trying to figure out who to draft to take any action, but they would do well to cut Leonard Little from their roster.

Little is the Rams defensive end who, while driving drunk, killed Susan Gutweiler, 47, in October of 1998. In what seemed to be a surprisingly light sentence, Little got 90-days in a work house and 1000 hours of community service, and 4 years probation (Who is he, Bill Janklow?).

Here are some of the things
Little had to say about the accident that left Gutweiler's husband and teenage son grieving:

I think about it all the time. I mean every day I wake up in the morning I think about it. It's always in the back of my mind no matter if you're at the Super Bowl or anything bigger than that. It's always there and I always think about it.

It's hard to put yourself in that situation. It's hard and I try to put myself in the situation whereas if something happened to my mom like that and it would be a hard situation to cope with.

It's hard because I've never been in trouble. Not a problem kid or anything like that so when you're in the legal system like that, it's always hard on a person for the first time to go through some things like that.


Why should the Rams cut him now, after all this time? This morning, at 3:57 a.m., Little was arrested for driving while intoxicated. I'm all for a second chance, but not a third. The Rams should dump Little and never look back.
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PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JON STEWART

President Bush used an Associated Press luncheon to address a recent poll showing two-thirds of Americans believe another terrorist attack is 'somewhat likely' before the November elections. Reassure us, Mr. President!

(Bush footage:) 'Our intelligence is good. It's just never perfect, that's the problem. We're disrupting cells here in America. We're chasing people down. But we've got a big country.'

There you have it. Vote Bush in '04. Because if this were Luxembourg, he could keep us safe.

Kerry courted controversy for much of the week by refusing to release his 'full' military records, prompting Bush spokesman Dan Bartlett to contrast Kerry's behavior with that of the president. Quote, 'The president made a pledge to the American people, and he made his complete file available to the media and the public.' Yes. The president's complete file. The one that didn't quite prove he ever reported for service in the Alabama National Guard."

DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce 'Fallujah.'

Bush insisted that Iraq was not another Vietnam. Well of course not; he avoided Vietnam.

The press conference came from the White House. Maybe you heard this noise in the background, a small commotion, shuffling around and things being moved. I called my buddy down at the White House ... and asked him what that noise was in the background. And he said, 'Oh, oh, that was John Kerry measuring for drapes.'

JAY LENO

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a 'liability.' So he gets to write that off.

How many watched President Bush's entire speech last night? (mild applause) How many are gonna watch the final episode of 'The Apprentice' tomorrow night? (huge applause) See, that's the problem, right there! You get the government you deserve."

President Bush spoke out about the environment. He's against it!

As you know John Kerry has a Purple Heart from shrapnel. And of course Dick Cheney has a purple heart from cheeseburgers and deep dish pizza.

On '60 Minutes' last Sunday, Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason.

Bob Woodward's new book, 'Plan of Attack' about President Bush, is now the number one book in the country. Bush is really upset about this. First there was the Paul O'Neill book, then Richard Clarke's book, then John Dean's book. Bush is going, 'Do I have to read another book?'

According to Bob Woodward's new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush that if he went to war he would 'own Iraq's 25 million people and all their hopes and problems.' He said, 'you will own it all.' And then Cheney said, 'Does that include the oil wells?'

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was at the White House last week. And President Bush said for someone not from this country, his English is pretty good.

Vice President Dick Cheney released his tax records yesterday. Kind of embarrassing! He listed President Bush as a dependent.

You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol'? See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.

In his press conference, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the Almighty and we have been 'called' by God to use our military power to help spread freedom around the world. Then he called that al-Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nut case.

CONAN O'BRIEN

President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was, 'I ain't made none mistakes never.'

CRAIG KILBORN

President Bush got some bad news after his televised speech. The FCC fined him $10,000 for saying 'Shiite.'

President Bush says he's worried the uprisings in Fallujah will spread to other cities he can't pronounce.

President Bush asked his accountant, 'On what line do I write off the poor and middle class?
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Friday, April 23, 2004
 
BUSH HITS LOW POINT IN CALIFORNIA

From today's LA Times:

If the election were held today, the poll found, California voters would choose Kerry over Bush, 53% to 41%, in a two-way race.

With independent Ralph Nader on the ballot, Kerry would still defeat Bush in a romp, 49% to 39%, with Nader at 6%.

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CAPTAIN CAVEMAN

The Grompinator has a report on another instance of Governor Schwarzenegger caving in on a 'ridiculous, draconian budget cut'.
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YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE

The Dodgers-Rockies game was delayed yesterday for an hour and 10 minutes because it was supposed to rain. It didn't rain, so they started the game, and the rains finally came. The two teams got in 6 innings before it was stopped due to the weather.
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Thursday, April 22, 2004
 
TROUBLE WITH INSOMNIA?

If you're having trouble falling asleep, NBC offered a perfect cure in last night's episode of The West Wing. The episode, Talking Points, was written by Eli Attie, whom you might remember from his other written works, such as the Secaucus phone book and your Aunt Esther's shopping list. If you can get a copy of Talking Points on tape, you'll be napping within minutes.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
 
LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR

President Bush spent $1.6 million dollars PER DAY in March, the most spent in one month by any presidential campaign ever.
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TODAY IN HISTORY

1997---For reasons beyond understanding, the ashes of Timothy Leary and Gene Roddenberry were launched into orbit.

1991---The Pittsburgh Pirates rallied from a 7-2 deficit in the bottom of the 9th, and from 12-7 in the bottom of the 11th to beat the Chicago Cubs 13-12, in the greatest extra inning comeback in Major League history.

1986---Geraldo Rivera begins the journey from journalist to national joke by opening Al Capone's vault and finding nothing.

1960---Dick Clark testifies before the congressional committee looking into payola, admitting he had a financial interest in 27% of the records he played over the previous 28 months.

1910---Mark Twain died at age 74.

1789---John Adams was sworn in as the nation's first Vice President, nine days before George Washington was sworn in as the nation's first President.

753 BC---According to legend, twin brothers Romulus and Remus, sons of the god Mars, found the ancient city of Rome.
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
 
ATTENTION: THE SKY IS NOT FALLING

Josh Marshall has an interesting post concerning some Democrats' misery and heartache over the new poll showing President Bush with a 6 point lead over Senator Kerry. In fact, one normally levelheaded blogger is making the 'dire prediction' that President Bush will win in November.

Everybody take a deep breath.

There are 196 days before the polls open, and in political terms, that is two eternities, three lifetimes and a long weekend in Vegas. To put things in perspective, on April 26th, 1992, the national polls looked like this:

Bush 38%
Clinton 28%
Perot 23%

(Source: Better Than Sex, by Hunter S. Thompson)
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FAIR ENOUGH, NO INVESTIGATION NECCESSARY

One of the key revelations from Bob Woodward's book is the $700 million dollars that may have been diverted from Afghanistan to Iraq, and today Scott McClellan put it to rest:

Q Scott, Senator McCain is calling for congressional hearings on the $700 million that Woodward alleges was diverted from Afghanistan to Iraq. What's your position on hearings?

MR. McCLELLAN: I think the Department of Defense briefed on that yesterday, and pointed out that that simply was not the case. Congress was kept informed and the funding, the emergency funding from the -- the emergency funding gave the Pentagon broad discretion in how funds were used. And they also pointed out that the funding specifically for Iraq came after the resolution that Congress passed. And Congress was kept fully informed of the funding.

We've got to go. Thanks.


Oh, well, if you say so. Sorry to bother you Scott.
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A BLAST FROM THE PAST

I'm re-reading Hunter S. Thompson's recap of the 1992 political campaign, Better Than Sex, and it's apparent that Thompson wasn't all that fond of fringe candidate Ross Perot. Here's a fax, which was handwritten on Rolling Stone stationary, that Thompson sent out in October of '92:

URGENT BULLETIN
Oct. 12, '92
TO: James Carville (RUSH)

Why did you let that goddamn little weasel into the "Debates" in the first place? Fuck Ross Perot. He is an evil, dangerous tar baby + the willing creature of James Baker 3, who wants to bury us all. Especially you and me, James. Trust me: I understand these things.

You're welcome,

HST

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CALIFORNIA: HOME OF THE RAT

Maybe the reason California hasn't ever had a decent Mafia family is because we're a state of busybody, rumormongering squealers. Well, the California Highway Patrol is going to put our penchant for finking to use, as they have started the CHEATER program, a major crackdown on state residents illegally driving vehicles with out-of-state plates.

The CHP is asking motorists to jot down suspicious tags and enter them into an anonymous CHP Web site. Commissioner D.O. "Spike" Helmick estimated the state could bring in up to $10 million in additional revenue if the project succeeds. Apparently the new program is already a big hit:

"Everybody got excited about it. Even the secretaries are writing down plates," said Helmick, who said he typically jots down three or four suspicious plates during his morning commute.

'Spike' is clearly a proud citizen of John Ashcroft's America.
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WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

http://www.pollingreport.com/

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YOU THINK YOU COULD BE 'THE BLOG APPRENTICE'?

Think you can match blog wits with Keith Berry? Then you need to apply now for the first weblog season of The Blog Apprentice ®. Here's what you do: Send you’re name, picture and e-mail address to Berry’s World, and send $10.00 (American) to Berry’s World through Amazon (click here) and you will be entered into the first ever on-line rip-off of Donald Trump’s inexplicable reality hit, The Blog Apprentice ®.

Each week every contestant will be given a unique assignment to test your weblog skills. Possible assignments include:

---Interviewing Kevin Drum about his steamy days as a Chippendale dancer

---Finding out Atrios’ real name (FULL name as it's common knowledge Atrios' first name is Marion)

---Enrolling in a class taught by Glenn Reynolds, and throwing paper airplanes when his back is turned

---Convincing Matt Welch to give me his Anaheim Angel tickets

---Filing false police charges against The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler resulting in his arrest

Each week, one contestant will hear that memorable phrase, 'You are being asked to end your affiliation with The Blog Apprentice!' ®. The others move on to the next round until the last person hears the magic words, 'You Are Being Extended An Offer Of Long-term Employment With Berry’s World!' ®.

So, you think you have the blog-sense in you to be the next Bill, or the lying skills to be the next Omerossa? Then enter today!!
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TODAY IN HISTORY

1993---Uranus passes Neptune, which happens once every 171 years.

1988---Claudell Washington hits the 10,000th home run in New York Yankees history.

1976---George Harrison sings the Lumberjack Song with Monty Python.

1861---Robert E. Lee resigns his commission from the Union Army.

1822---Uranus passes Neptune, which happens once every 171 years.

1651---Uranus passes Neptune, which happens once every 171 years.

1480---Uranus passes Neptune, which happens once every 171 years.

1309---Uranus passes Neptune, which happens once every 171 years.
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FIVE LITTLE KNOWN GEMS

OK, they're probably not gems, but for some reason, I loved them.

Canadian Bacon (1995)---The U.S. President, low in the opinion polls, gets talked into raising his popularity by trying to start a cold war against Canada.

The Littlest Angel (1969)---A "Hallmark Hall of Fame" special airing on NBC, this production (based on the book by Charles Tazewell) tells the story of an 8 year-old shepherd boy named Michael (Johnnie Whitaker) in Biblical times who is called to Heaven. He has difficulty making the transition and an angel, Patience (Fred Gwynne), materializes to help him along. The boy then learns that the spirit of giving is infinitely more important than the gift itself.

Bad Ronald (1974)---After he accidentally kills a girl, Ronald (Scott Jacoby) is hidden by his neurotic mother from the police. When she dies, he continues hiding in the eerie old house, even after a new family moves in... A perfect example of slightly bizarre 70's made-for-TV movies, which makes a good double-feature with THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE, also starring Jacoby.

Something For Joey (1977)---Heartwarming story chronicles relationship between real life Heisman Trophy winner John Cappelletti and his leukemia-stricken younger brother. Excellent performances, sensitive handling of difficult subject please fans of emotionally wrenching dramas.

Take The Money And Run (1969)---A mock documentary which traces the criminal career of Virgil Starkwell from his childhood through his incarceration for bank robbery. Along the way we learn much about Virgil's childhood, his musical (and moral) education, and the vagaries of his relationships with women.
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Monday, April 19, 2004
 
ALL REALITY SHOWS, ALL THE TIME

Fox announced that Oscar De La Hoya is joining the reality show parade, bringing us one step closer to the day where every show on television is of the reality variety.

H.L. Mencken couldn't have known how right he was:

No one in this world, so far as I know ... has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
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WHEN BILLIONAIRES ATTACK

In a spat amongst wealthy reality show hosts, Mark Cuban is lecturing Donald Trump.
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HETEROSEXUALS PERSECUTED IN FLORIDA!!

3 heterosexual couples, who were vacationing with a gay couple, are complaining that they were kicked out of a hotel because they weren't gay. After the heterosexual couples were settled into their rooms, the hotel manager told them 'We don't want you here,' citing a policy of not allowing heterosexuals on the property.

Clearly, this is the end of the world as we know it.
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ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY, AND ENTIRELY BEYOND BELIEF

A Buffalo-area woman has been placed in federal custody in central Pennsylvania, accused of crossing the state line to allow a man she had met on the Internet to engage in sexual conduct with her child - reportedly a 2-year-old girl.

Angela Larkin, a 34-year-old woman with three aliases, faces three charges after being indicted by a federal grand jury in the case that dates back to November. Federal officials in Pennsylvania had no specific address for Larkin, saying only that she lived in the Buffalo area.

Larkin - who also uses the names Angela McCullen, Martina McCullen and Angela Main - faces a federal charge accusing her of crossing the state line Nov. 27 with the intent to have a child under 12 engage in sexual conduct, federal officials said Friday. She also faces two other federal charges for allowing a child under 18 to engage in such conduct.

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TODAY IN HISTORY

1995---That stupid bastard Timothy McVeigh killed 168 people with his truck bomb in Oklahoma City. May he rot in hell.

1994---Rodney King was awarded $3.8 million dollars for the beating he recieved from several members of my police department.

1966---The California Angels (now Anaheim Angels) played their first game in Anaheim Stadium (now Angel Stadium), losing 3-1 to the Chicago White Sox.

1782---Netherlands recognized the independence of the United States.
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YOU PROBABLY HAVE TO KNOW HIM

I love Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, and while I haven't seen either Kill Bill, I'll bet they are pretty good. But, you know, whenever I see Tarantino on a talk show, or being interviewed, I always think he's kind of creepy. I have the not-so-sneaky feeling that I would go out of my way not to have to talk to him.
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Sunday, April 18, 2004
 
WAS AIR AMERICA BLACKBALLED?

Joe Trippi says there is more to the Air America story than we knew. A lot more.
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CAN'T ANYBODY HERE PLAY THIS GAME?

Watching the Giants-Dodgers game today provided a perfect illustration of bad baseball, courtesy of Giants pitcher Brett Tomko.

In a 2-2 game, with runners on the corners, Tomko faced Adrian Beltre. Beltre hits a pretty decent pitch over the right field wall, and suddenly it’s 5-2. Then Juan Encarnacion comes up and hits a 1-1 pitch over the left field wall for a 6-2 Dodger lead. Up steps catcher David Ross, and I immediately knew that Tomko was going to at least knock Ross down, but might just drill him in the ribs. I mean, the last two guys just airmailed ungodly shots into the seats, so Tomko has to do something (anything!) to make the hitters uncomfortable, and it was clear that his fastball wasn’t doing it.

So, what’s Tomko do? Throws a fastball right down Main Street, which Ross deposited in the leftfield seats for a 7-2 lead.

Amazing.

UPDATE: Ross' homer turned out to be the difference in the Dodgers 7-6 win. Bob Gibson would be rolling over in his grave if not for the fact that he's not dead.
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TODAY IN HISTORY

1994---Former President Richard M. Nixon suffered a stroke & died 4 days later.

1993---David Lee Roth was arrested in New York City for purchasing a dime-bag of pot.

1964---Sandy Koufax became the 1st Major League pitcher to strike out the side on 9 pitches.

1775---Paul Revere & William Dawes warned folks that "The British are coming!"
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