Berry's World
Friday, June 18, 2004
 
PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JON STEWART

Reagan's death at first prompted speculation
campaign ads might be pulled for the week. The Kerry team decided not to, partly because their current spots are not negative. The Bush campaign is also proceeding as planned, and will be airing attack ads throughout the week ... because the Gipper would have wanted it that way.

Still, as tough as the week off will be on Kerry's campaign, the hiatus will be hardest on presidential hatchet man Karl Rove, who will be spending the week kicking puppies and tripping blind kids in order to, quote, `Stay sharp.'

Yes, the 'Bush Doctrine.' Holding regimes that harbor terrorists to account. That doctrine also carries the 'Bush Asterisk,' which simply states: 'Doctrine not valid in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Syria, and Pakistan.’

DAVID LETTERMAN

John Ashcroft said President Bush is against torture. President Bush is against torture ... except when it involves the English language.

President Bush will be going back to his ranch in Texas for his usual month-long holiday weekend.

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.

President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.

The State Department released a memo saying that terrorism has gone down. And so it turns out the only reason they released that statement was because of a mathematical error. Apparently terrorism hasn't really gone down at all. It was only released because of a mathematical error. Mathematical error? Isn't that how Bush became president in the first place?

How many of you folk have seen the big blockbuster cartoon Shrek 2? It's the most successful animated film ever. Give you an idea how popular it is, President Bush keeps asking to meet him.

President Bush's father, I thought this was fascinating, turned 80 years old and to celebrate he jumps out of an airplane. And you if you'd seen the polls you know he's not the only Bush in free fall.

JAY LENO

President Bush is back after remembering D-Day. Or, as known in his house, report card day.

The Sept. 11 commission said that they have found no ties between al-Qaida and Iraq. To which President Bush said, 'What about the fact that they're both in the Middle East?’

This week the Bush administration begins testing a new program called 'The Registered Travels Program' which allows people to avoid long security lines at airports by paying an extra fee and agreeing to a background check. Boy that's a great idea, a separate line for rich people! It's hard to believe the Republicans came up with that. I'm stunned.

After another week of violence in Saudi Arabia, the Bush Administration has warned the Saudis they need to do more in the war against terror. Like for example, fight on our side.

CRAIG KILBORN

Former President Bush, the older one, parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt. This is for his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike.
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JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM

Uncle Hornhead spots Scott McClellan using the 'Rovian talking point of the day' 30 times in 33 minutes yesterday.
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Thursday, June 17, 2004
 
SOUND FAMILIAR?

He’s doing a fabulous job and America’s lucky to have him in the position he’s in.
President Bush on Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, 6-17-04

Rice "is an honest, fabulous person, and America is lucky to have her service, period.
President Bush on National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, 8-3-03
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AN OPEN LETTER TO SENATOR KERRY

Dear Senator Kerry,

Like you, I feel a deep obligation to this country, and I feel that public service is a perfect way to give something back to our great nation. With that in mind, I would like to nominate myself to be your running mate in the upcoming presidential election.

Now, you are probably asking yourself, why would you want to name me as your vice presidential candidate, right?

Well, first and foremost I will deliver to you the jewel of the Electoral College, my home state of California. That’s 55 electoral votes dude. That’s 20% of what you need to win in the bag! More of the Electoral College pie than John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bill Richardson, Wesley Clark, and Tom Vilsack could deliver COMBINED!

(By the way, if for some ungodly reason you don’t pick me, whatever you do, don’t choose Gephardt! Gephardt wants to be president too badly. Every time you cough, he’s going to ask if you want to invoke the 25th Amendment.)

Now, I know that you have been flirting with the idea of Republican Senator John McCain as your running mate, but it’s quite clear that President Bush has bought him off. However, I offer one of the same perks that Senator McCain brings to the ticket. Namely, I didn’t vote for you in the primary either. I voted for Representative Dennis Kucinich, and that should help close ranks with the liberal wing of the Democratic Party.

Now, let’s review what other advantages with I bring to a Kerry-Berry ticket

For one thing, I love funerals! Especially when they are for people that I don’t know. I’ll attend every funeral you get invited to, leaving you more free time for windsurfing and playing the guitar. (Food for thought, I’d steer clear of the bike if I were you.)

I can spell potato!

I’ve never worked for Haliburton, so no problems there. In fact, I hate all the companies that I used to work for, so I won’t be funneling any money to my old cronies.

I won’t be pushy like Al Gore and demand to eat lunch with you every week. For all I care, you’ll only have to see me twice. (Once at each swearing in ceremony, right big guy?)

We’ve got budget problems, right? Well, to help save money, I won’t need a big staff. Maybe just a couple of guys to play cards with while you are busy running the country

Now, in the case of a recount, I won’t give away votes like Joe Lieberman did in 2000. What was he thinking?

Now, I will spearhead some major projects as Vice President. I will personally oversee the White House fantasy baseball league, and I plan on being the first vice president to visit every Major League Baseball stadium.

Naturally, you might be wondering, what if you die, could I be president? Come on, if George W. Bush can be president, then I could do it easy, so wipe that concern from your mind!

Now, I have made similar offers to President Bush in the past, including offers to serve on the President's Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board, and as the Secretary of the Army, but never heard back from him. I certainly hope that you don’t make the same mistake. May the vetting process being!

Sincerely,

Keith Berry
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
 
OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

White House aides advancing President Bush's Normandy visit ordered the Pentagon to erect a $100,000 platform for his entry into a U.S. military cemetery, well-placed sources told the Daily News.

American taxpayers picked up the six-figure tab for the red carpet, walkway and artificial island hurriedly built over a memorial pool so that Bush and French President Jacques Chirac could walk in style to the dais for last week's ceremony commemorating the 60th anniversary of the D-Day landings.

Military engineers were given just one day's notice to create the set for Bush's speech at the U.S. cemetery at Colleville-sur-Mer, these sources told The News.

In addition, White House staffers demanded that bleachers erected for several thousand spectators be torn down, limiting the number of guests who could attend the event. "Some 25-year-old White House kid thought they weren't esthetically pleasing," one administration official complained.

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DOESN'T PASS THE LAUGH TEST

See if you can read the opener from this Washington Post story with a straight face:

Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff was told in 2002 that Cheney's former company would receive no-bid work to secretly plan restoration of Iraq's oil facilities, but the information wasn't given to the vice president, a White House official said Tuesday.

I don't mind Scooter Libby lying as much as I do the total lack of effort he put into coming up with something plausible.
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THIS MAKES SENSE, HUH?

A passage about Vice President Dick Cheney from The Ambition And The Power that speaks volumes today:

There was something unyielding about him (Cheney), something hard and unreachable. On the Easter trip to the Soviet Union with (Former Speaker of the House, Jim) Wright, members had played one of those psychoanalytical games; according to his score, one profession he was suited for was a funeral director.
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004
 
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

New Hampshire Attorney General Peter Heed resigned abruptly Tuesday because of an allegation of inappropriate conduct with a woman. The alleged incident occurred after hours on a dance floor.

Waiting for the punchline?

The alleged incident occurred at a conference last month in Bretton Woods on preventing sexual and domestic abuse.
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IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE


http://www.statenews.com/opinion.phtml?date=1077512400


Of course, my dad, a card-carrying Laker fan, probably doesn't think Justin Best's cartoon is so damned funny.
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DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT...

Dan Froomkin of the Washington Post has the joke that 'Clinton alumni' are circulating:

How many Bush administration officials it takes to change a light bulb?

Seven.

• One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.

• One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.

• One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.

• One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.

• One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb.

• One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.

• And finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
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HOW'S THIS GUY STILL HAVE A JOB?

The LA Times has a pretty interesting story of how, in less than an hour, Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Michael Eisner spent $5.3 billion dollars dollars for a cable network that was worth $3 billion dollars.

Good job, Mike!
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Monday, June 14, 2004
 
WHICH QUESTION WILL SHE ASK FIRST?

Courteney Cox gave birth to a baby girl this weekend, making me wonder which question will the child ask her mother first:

1) Mommy, why on earth did you name me Coco?

2) Mommy, why is daddy such a dork?

My money says the little girl asks both in a compound question.
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AND IT WASN'T FOUND IN CALIFORNIA!!!

Archaeologists have dug up a thousand-year-old padded bra in Inner Mongolia, China, a news report said on Thursday.

The gold-coloured bra was found in tomb in the province's Aohan region, according to the South China Morning Post.

Archeologist Shao Guotian said the bra dated back to China's Liao dynasty and described it as made of fine silk with shoulder and back straps.

"It is just like brassieres of today," he said. "It's a pity most of the cotton padding in the cups has already decayed."

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NECK AND NECK

This is going to be a close election.
---Josh Lyman, The West Wing


http://www.electoral-vote.com/


TOTAL: Kerry 290 Bush 244

BREAKDOWN:
Dark Blue---Safe Kerry (147)
Light Blue---Weak Kerry (48)
Outlined Blue---Barely Kerry (95)
Outlined Red---Barely Bush (51)
Light Red---Weak Bush (49)
Dark Red---Safe Bush (144)

Thanks to The Electoral Vote Predictor
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Sunday, June 13, 2004
 
WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE?

Here's the breakdown of who each side sees as the most believable news source, according to the Pew Research Center:

Republicans
Fox News (29%)
60 Minutes (29%)
CNN (28%)
C-SPAN (26%)
U.S. News (26%)
NBC News (24%)
PBS NewsHour (24%)

Democrats
CNN (45%)
60 Minutes (42%)
C-SPAN (36%)
ABC News (34%)
CBS News (34%)
NPR (33%)

Independents
60 Minutes (29%)
CNN (28%)
C-SPAN (26%)
U.S. News (26%)
NBC News (24%)
PBS NewsHour (24%)
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WANNA KNOW THE REST? HEY, BUY THE RIGHTS

How bizarre, indeed:

Couple Dead In Bizarre Rush Hour Incident

In a bizarre Dallas-area incident witnesses say a man pushed a woman off an elevated highway overpass in a violent argument and then jumped to his death. More than six witnesses told Richardson police they saw the startling incident unfold on the 85-foot-tall Bush Turnpike overpass late Thursday, The Dallas Morning News reported. The couple was first seen arguing inside a parked 2000 Mercedes on the shoulder and then they got out. One witness said at first he thought they were just "goofing" around.

Corpse In Bizarre Bank Con

Loan sharks pushing a dead man in a wheelchair tried to withdraw his pension at a Port Elizabeth bank, a shocked client said yesterday. The First National Bank customer yesterday described her disbelief on Friday at seeing two men, believed to be money lenders, and a woman pushing the corpse in a wheelchair into the North End branch "to make a pension withdrawal". Police identified the dead man as Thozamile Patrick Apolis, 40, of Magi Street, Zwide, He had died of natural causes.

Three Charged With Murder In Bizarre Homicide

Three people are arrested in a murder case after a witness allegedly saw the suspects dragging the victim's body and putting it in a car. The incident was a set-up altercation at Bush Park between 20-year-old Jonathon Killoran and the victim, 19-year-old Christopher Hanson. The other two suspects are Killoran's 38-year-old mother, Terry Killoran and her boyfriend, 26-year-old Jason Boyce. The three drove to a remote are near Eagle Fern Park and dumped the body. No grave was dug; they simply threw the body in the bushes on a deserted road. The three suspects were interviewed by police and admitted to the killing and discarding of the victim's body. All three are now charged with murder.

Charges Dropped In Bizarre Case Of Self-Defense

A woman accused of running over her boyfriend and dragging his body for 200 feet is free today after local police investigators backed up her claim of self defense. Bridget Angelik Gray was charged with aggravated assault after an incident on April 21 that left James Johnson dead. Gray admitted driving off with Johnson on the hood of her pickup truck. However Knoxville police investigators say that Johnson was standing on the hood of the truck, aiming a pistol at Gray. It was determined that Johnson was actually killed by bullets he fired after falling from the hood, ricocheting off the vehicle and striking him. Gray had been in jail since the date of the incident.

Bizarre Tale Of Boy Who Used Internet To Plot His Own Murder

The final internet chatroom exchange took place on 28 June last year. "U want me 2 take him 2 trafford centre and kill him in the middle of trafford centre??" said one message. "Yes," came the reply. Less than 24 hours later, a 14-year-old boy was critically ill in hospital with stab wounds in the chest and stomach. At first it seemed as though a brutal, but straightforward, robbery had gone wrong. But yesterday the young "victim" became the first person in this country to be convicted of inciting their own murder. An intricate web of deceit had been spun by the boy on the chatroom to recruit another teenager as his would-be killer. "This case serves as a stark warning of the dangers of the dark side of the internet," Nicholas Clarke, prosecuting, told the court yesterday. The boy - who is now 15 and can be referred to only as John for legal reasons - persuaded his friend, known as Mark, now 17, to stab him to death in order to pass a fictitious initiation test for the British secret services in a meticulously planned attack one Sunday evening last summer. John, from Greater Manchester, pleaded guilty at Manchester crown court to incitement to murder and perverting the course of justice. He was given a three-year supervision order, banned from contacting Mark or using the internet without strict adult supervision.

Whitney Houston Turns Bizarre At Harrods!


Whitney Houston took everyone by surprise recently with her bizarre behavior at a London store. The R and B diva and husband Bobby Brown horrified the staff at Harrods by asking them to give them clothing worth 18,300 dollars for free. According to IMDb, the singer arrived at the store with a TV crew in tow and started behaving in a bizarre manner. The staff said that the couple looked "drugged and disheveled" and they danced around the store and giggled uncontrollably "She was all over the place. I could barely understand a word she was saying. Both of them were behaving really oddly. It was amazing to see how far such a glamorous star has fallen. It was hard to believe this was the Whitney Houston the world knows," the report quoted one tour assistant as saying.
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WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?

Last summer when Karl Malone and Gary Payton took sizable pay cuts to join the Los Angeles Lakers to, ahem, win a championship (it could still happen!) who would have thought the Lakers were actually over-paying to get the petulant Payton?

The Glove, as Payton is known (although after watching him play I have no idea why), has been nothing but a pouting child in the City of Angels. How bad has it gotten? Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe Bryant, Rick Fox, Derek Fisher and Devean George held a private meeting with Laker coach Phil Jackson and asked him to sit Malone (due to his injured knee) and Payton in tonight's game 4 of the NBA Finals.

No matter how the series with the Detroit Pistons turns out, Laker fans can take comfort in the fact that Gary Payton will be long gone when next season rolls around. Good riddance to the Ricky Henderson of the NBA.
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