Berry's World
Friday, July 09, 2004
 
MAX TAKES ONE FOR THE TEAM

Not that you (or anybody else, for that matter) will see the movie, but Max Blumenthal suffered through America's Heart And Soul, and has a pretty interesting review.
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IT'S LIKE POLITICS WITH PUCKS

March 2004: Larry Brooks, a hockey writer for the New York Post, reported the Colorado Avalanche were likely to replace head coach Tony Granato with Joel Quenneville.

Avalanche GM Pierre Lacroix responded:

"This man (Granato) has the best record in the history of our coaches in 10 years," he said. "Why talk about this? This didn't come from me. It shouldn't be part of any conversation."

May 2004: Rick Sadowski, hockey writer for the Rockie Mountain News, asked Lacroix if Granato would return.

Avalanche GM Pierre Lacroix responded:

"No doubt. It's never crossed the mind of management here about any doubt on the coaching staff during or after the season."

July 7, 2004: The Colorado Avalanche hire Joel Quenneville to replace Tony Granato as head coach.
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MIKE DITKA FOR SENATE?

With Jack Ryan out of the race for Senator in the Land of Lincoln, Illinois Republicans may turn to former Bears coach Mike Ditka to run for the seat. At DraftDitka.com, we get this explanation:

So...Why Coach Ditka to lead the ILGOP now? Because we need him. It's that simple.

Fair enough.
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PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JON STEWART

The G.O.P.'s official Web site posted a news release asking, 'Who is John Edwards? A disingenuous, unaccomplished liberal and friend to personal injury trial lawyers.' You've really got to hand it to the Bush-Cheney team; they're the only campaign that could turn the word 'friend' into an insult.

JAY LENO

What was it 91-92 degrees today? Man, I was sweatin' like President Bush watching 'Fahrenheit 9/11.’

Let me tell you something - this Edwards guy is going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's charismatic so that's going to hurt Cheney and he can talk so that's going to hurt Bush.

Our vice presidential choices are John Edwards versus Dick Cheney. We've got a heartthrob versus a heart attack.

Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the prime minister of Iceland. I don't think Bush really understands a lot of these foreign countries. After the meeting, Bush thanked him for helping make all our drinks so cool in the summer.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Last night, Dick Cheney went up to Yankee Stadium to a ball game. During like the seventh-inning stretch or something, they put him on the jumbotron and everybody in Yankee Stadium sees him on jumbotron and they booed him. Everyone in the stadium boos him. As we know, Dick Cheney has a horrible temper, so he goes crazy and he grabs everybody who booed him and then ran them around naked on a leash.

According to interrogators, Saddam Hussein is arrogant, he's defiant, he thinks that people are still in love with him. He thinks that he's still very popular. He thinks that he is still president. No, wait a minute, that's Bush.

(Special Flashback Top Ten: 2-19-04)

Top Ten Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney

10. Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey table.

9. There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential position in a "Large North American Government."

8. Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day.

7. There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the undisclosed location.

6. When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?"

5. White House interns are no longer required to know CPR.

4. The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be dumped.

3. Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney.

2. Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on the White House lawn.

1. Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.

CONAN O’BRIEN

After Kerry selected Edwards, the Republicans immediately denounced Edwards as 'disingenuous.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I didn't know this guy was a foreigner.’

CRAIG KILBORN

In 'Voting with Your Wheels' news, who needs sophisticated nationwide polls when Sioux City, Iowa, has this car wash where the drivers of filthy cars can make their choice known to all. Patrons must love the idea, but a few complained about how after going through the Kerry side, Dick Cheney keeps popping up to sling mud at your car. The odd thing about the Bush side, you actually feel dirtier after it's finished with you.

Commenting on the trial, President Bush said that Saddam Hussein will be 'caught up in a web of lies and deceit.' Sounds like someone saw 'Spider-Man 2.'
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Thursday, July 08, 2004
 
THIS JUST IN: CHEVY CHASE IS STILL NOT FUNNY

Speaking of President Bush former talk show host Chevy Chase unleashed this, um, zinger:

This guy's as bright as an egg timer.
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STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME!

Jokes, Pranks, And Hijinks:


Tragic Fireworks Prank Shatters Victim's Life

A south suburban woman remains hospitalized -- recovering from injuries she suffered in a Fourth of July prank. A teenager allegedly dropped fireworks into the mailbox of her home in Calumet City The victim is still in intensive care but early Monday afternoon, family members said she appears to be improving and they are convinced she will survive her injuries. An apparent fireworks prank nearly took the victim's life and likely has forever changed the life of a boy who was arrested in the incident: There was an estimated one hundred thousand dollars damage to the house on Yates Avenue...where Saturday night, police say a teenager dropped lighted fireworks into the mail slot that ignited a fire that spread through the one-story brick bungalow. Seventy-seven year old Eleanor Moll--an arthritis patient who uses a walker--called 9-1-1 and let her dog out...but was overcome by smoke before she could escape. "Anybody can have access to fireworks and that is a bigger problem than any of us can handle but what's with this kid that would do something so criminal," said Mary Ann Lane, the victim's daughter. "The fact that she had to go through that, it just -- that's where our pain mainly is," said Jennifer Debosschere, victim's daughter. Neighbors expressed a mix of shock and outrage. The sixteen-year-old suspect lived a few blocks away and is described as the polite son of a single mother--a high school student who liked to fish and sometimes sold his catch to neighbors.

Police: Prank Caller Talked McDonald's Manager Into Strip Search

Suspect, Alleged Victim's Ex-Boyfriend Charged


Area investigators have arrested a man they believe has prank called dozens of businesses locally and across the country. David Richard Stewart, 37, was charged with phoning an area McDonald's and ordering store management and others to strip search and sodomize a female employee, WLKY NewsChannel 32's Abby Miller reported Wednesday. The bizarre calls have terrorized national food chains and led to criminal charges for the people he allegedly involves in his pranks, according to police. Stewart lives in Florida and works as a corrections officer, Miller reported. He's accused of conning store managers in such a way that investigators are trying to determine whether he was so persuasive or his victims were so gullible. "It might be a little bit of both," Mount Washington police Detective Buddy Stump said. "There's a lot of innocent people involved in this. Evidently, he was pretty convincing."

Disturbing Prank Calls On Eastern Shore

Police in one Eastern Shore community are warning residents about a disturbing prank.
Someone has been calling homes in the Easton, Talbot County, area claiming to be a doctor at Easton Memorial Hospital. The caller tells the residents that a family member has died in an auto accident. He then advises them to go to the hospital and indentify the body. Police say it is not customary for hospital staff to make death notifications over the phone.

Japanese Cops Arrest Elderly Prank Caller

Japanese authorities arrested an elderly man Tuesday for allegedly making more than 1,700 emergency calls to police over a six-month period. Yoshikatsu Birukawa, 64, was arrested on a charge of obstructing official duties for 84 calls he made on his mobile phone to police in about seven hours on May 29. "I'm covered in blood. Come rescue me quickly," Birukawa, from Aomori, reportedly said in one of the calls. Local police rushed to Birukawa's home several times in response to his calls, but mostly he was not in or pretended to be out. Since the calls began last December, police officers have received 1,727 calls from Birukawa.

Teens Say KKK Resemblance Intentional For Bus Stop Prank

Two teenagers have admitted to dressing in white robes, like members of the Ku Klux Klan, to scare a black school bus driver, Marion County sheriff's detectives said. According to Sheriff's Office reports, John Wesley Thompson, 15, said he and his 16-year-old cousin Michael Marlin pulled the prank on Tuesday because the driver is disliked by Marlin's older sister. Thompson said Angelina Thompson, 30, came up with the idea of dressing in white costumes to scare bus driver Claudette Johnson, of Citra. The teens' outfits were made from homemade costumes that Angelina Thompson and a friend wore one Halloween. Angelina Thompson denied any involvement and said her family had no connection to the Ku Klux Klan. Prosecutors will wait for sheriff's officials to finish their investigation before deciding whether to file charges against the teens, Chief Assistant State Attorney Ric Ridgway said. The Florida Attorney General's Office also has begun an inquiry into the incident, said Allison Bethel, director of the agency's Office of Civil Rights.

Reports Of Body In Vehicle Turns Out To Be Prank

Police who responded to frantic calls Wednesday morning about a body in a parked Jeep weren't amused when they found a Halloween mask and some stuffed clothing behind the wheel. "It had a bloody face, and the eyes looked glazed over," said Nikki Stockham, the girlfriend of the Jeep's owner. "I knew it wasn't Chris (Dawson, her boyfriend), but it was scary." She had been awoken around 8:15 a.m. by the sound of two girls screaming. She was relieved when she found out the body was just a dummy. "The cop was just mad," Stockham said. "They kept saying, 'This isn't funny - do you think it's funny?' They said they'd gotten, like, four phone calls in just a few minutes, that there was a body in the Jeep." Police Lt. Gerald Shaft said authorities weren't conducting a criminal investigation into the prank. "It was just a dummy in a Jeep," Shaft said. "Some people just have a different sense of humor."

Teen Charged With Assault In Fireworks Prank

Johnston Co. Man Suffers Hearing Damage


Jesse Denning was driving home from work when he was injured by a firecracker. Smithfield police said Monday afternoon a 15-year-old in another car threw a firecracker that blew up in Denning's left ear. "I had my arm out and I was looking and the next thing I know there was an explosion (near my ear)," Denning told NBC 17. Denning was already deaf in his right ear and needed a hearing aid. But, now his hearing is even worse. "Now my hearing is muffled .. and now I have to read lips and it's hard for me to get around without my hearing. I depend on my hearing," Denning said. Denning was able to get the license plate of the car the teen was in. The teen has been charged with assault.
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TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN

I'm just a simple candidate.
President Bush, July 7, 2004
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PLACE YOUR BETS

With the Democratic Convention set for late July, it’s a near mortal lock that Karl Rove has something planned to try and steal a news-cycle or two. So, what will Rove pull between July 26-29 to grab the media's attention? Here are the opening odds:

2-5 Have President Bush go on vacation.

2-1 Raise the terror alert level.

3-1 Name a new CIA Director.

5-1 Announce a new bin Laden sighting.

10-1 Dump Vice President Cheney from the ticket.

20-1 Have Attorney General Ashcroft undergo surgery again.

25-1 Invade Iraq again.

30-1 Invade North Korea.

35-1 Invade California.

40-1 Withdraw troops from Iraq.

50-1 Have Saddam Hussein executed.

75-1 Have President Bush sing a duet with Toby Keith on Oprah.

100-1 Announce the capture of bin Laden.

10,000-1 Release President Bush’s entire military service record.
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
 
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP

With the excellent news that former Enron Chairman Ken Lay has been indicted, I thought I would help him get ready for his new surroundings by checking out what his 'prison bitch' name would be.

Checking the Oz Prison Bitch Name Generator, there are several choices:

Kenneth Lay = Self-Toucher

Ken Lay = Queer Johnny

Kenny Lay = Fudge Boy

Kenny Boy = Snaggle Tooth

Remember Kenny, your first day in the can you have to beat the snot out of the toughest guy in the cell-block, and then the rest of the guys will leave you alone.
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FREE KERRY-EDWARDS BUMPER STICKERS

You can sign up for a free Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker here.

Of course, if you want to spend some money, you can get a great t-shirt here.
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TAKING LESSONS FROM THE VEEP?

California's Education Secretary Richard Riordan butted heads with a little girl recently. The youngster asked Riordan if he knew that her name meant 'Egyption goddess'.

Riordan, who apparently believed he'd been asked what her name meant, replied, "It means stupid, dirty girl."

In Riordan's defense, he did NOT tell the child 'Go fuck yourself'.
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THROWING STONES

Reading all of the complaints that the GOP has concerning Senator John Edwards, it's almost hard to imagine that they were the party who ran Dan Quayle for vice president.

Twice.
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TURNING MY BACK ON THE ANAHEIM ANGELS?

There is a possibility that within a year or so I will no longer be a fan of the Anaheim Angels. Is this because I'm not pleased with the way Bartolo Colon has been pitching? Is it because I'm steamed over the Angels lackluster play over the last month or so? Is it because I lack loyalty?

Nope.

Word has it that Angels owner Arte Moreno is considering changing the team's name to the Los Angeles Angels.

To be frank, I'm all for the change. I wasn't happy when the team changed their name from the California Angels to the Anaheim Angels, but there are two main reasons I would support the switch.

First, I live in Los Angeles county, and so the Los Angeles Angels appeals to me. Second, and most important, it will really, really piss off the Los Angeles Dodgers.
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004
 
GREAT SCOTT

From today's Press Briefing:

MR. McCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Hope everybody had a good July 4th weekend. And with that, I will go straight to your questions today. Helen.

Q Does the President feel that he had enough information about weapons to take this nation to war?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I think you heard directly from the President earlier today in the Oval Office, following his meeting with Prime Minister Oddsson. The President talked about how Saddam Hussein was a threat. It was a threat that was real --

Q -- was a threat how?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, we have learned since going into Iraq and removing that regime from power that the regime certainly had the intent and capability when it comes to weapons of mass destruction --

Q What do you mean by intent?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, the Iraq Survey Group, that was previously headed by David Kay and is now headed by Charles Duelfer, has looked into the issues and showed that Saddam Hussein was in serious and clear violation of United Nations Security Council Resolution 1441. That resolution, you'll recall, called for serious consequences if Saddam Hussein --

Q It didn't call for war.

MR. McCLELLAN: It gave him one final opportunity to comply, or face serious consequences if he continued to defy the international community. And the world is better off without Saddam Hussein in power.

Q Do you know how vague you sound on that?

MR. McCLELLAN: And you heard that directly from the President of the United States earlier today. Go ahead, John.
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THEY SAID IT

CBS Morning News, while reporting on Senator Kerry possibly naming his VP choice this morning, said this today:

As soon as the nominee is named, the Bush campaign is said to be ready to counter-attack.

So, naming a running mate is now an attack requiring a counter-attack?
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ABC SAYS IT'S EDWARDS

An ABC Special Report says Senator Kerry has tabbed Senator John Edwards as his Vice Presidential nominee.
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WE'LL SEE

(UPDATE: This post originally linked to the front page of the NY Post which said that Senator Kerry picked Representative Dick Gephardt as his running mate. The cover has been changed and the story, linked to below, has been removed.)

John Kerry has chosen Rep. Richard Gephardt, the veteran congressman from Missouri, to be his running mate, The Post has learned.

Gephardt, 63, a 28-year veteran of the House of Representatives, could be named by the presumptive Democratic nominee as the party's vice-presidential candidate as soon as today.

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Monday, July 05, 2004
 
AND SENATOR KERRY'S RUNNING MATE IS...

The scuttlebutt is that Senator Kerry will announce his running mate tomorrow morning. Sadly, despite the groundswell of support for me to be tabbed as Senator Kerry's Veep choice, the lack of FBI vetting indicates that I will be passed over.

So, who's your money on?

At this point, I'll play a hunch and guess that Representative Dick Gephardt gets the nod.
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NO K

Sadly, my excitement over Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski taking over the reins of the Los Angeles Lakers was premature.
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A CLASSIC MOMENT

As regular readers know, I often enjoy unbridled access to some inside Democratic happenings, so I was pleased yet not surprised when one of my key sources sent me an advance copy of The Hunting Of The President (thanks, Big Dog!)

The documentary, based upon the book of the same name by Gene Lyons and Joe Conason, is an engaging and entertaining look at how the right wing attempted to bring down the presidency of William J. Clinton.

While I would wager most Democrats will come away from the film angry, and most right wingers will come away chuckling about the scalp they nearly got, I doubt anybody's mind will be changed by the story. Personally, I came away from the movie with an even higher amount of respect for Susan McDougal who is an absloute American hero. I also came away thinking that I wouldn't piss on Ken Starr if he were on fire, but I've always felt that way.

There was one hilarious scene that seems to epitomize the right wing as we know it:

Susan Carpenter McMillan: (Clears throat) Excuse me. My name is Susan Carpenter McMillan, and today I am acting, uh, officially as Paula's advisor.

(Cut to still photograph of Susan Carpenter McMillan and Paula Jones, still photograph of Susan Carpenter McMillan, and then to scenes of anti-abortion protesters outside of a Planned Parenthood building.)

Narrator Morgan Freeman: Long before she assumed her roll as Jones' confidant and spokesperson, Susan Carpenter McMillan was a battlescarred veteran of the anti-abortion movement. Calling pro-coice supporters anti-moral parasites, she tollerated no exception to her pro-life position.

(Cut to video of Susan Carpenter McMillan speaking on KABC 790 radio.)

Susan Carpenter McMillan: America is morally bankrupt. We have no moral compass, and our foundation is (makes sound of rasberry).

(Cut to still photograph of Susan Carpenter McMillan and Paula Jones)

Narrator Morgan Freeman: Ironically, in 1990 at the height of her anti-abortion campaign, the LA Times discovered Susan Carpenter McMillan had undergone not just one, but two abortions.

As it's always amusing to see far right wingers make asses of themselves, The Hunting Of The President is fun to watch.
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