Berry's World
Saturday, July 17, 2004
 
WISHFUL THINKING?

On this week's McLaughlin Group, we got this authoritative prognostication from John McLaughlin:

Hard liquor will make a comeback soon.
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OUCH!

A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man's testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces. The surgeon, Naum Ciomu, was said to be a senior member of the hospital staff and a professor of anatomy. He had been operating on a 34-year-old man for a testicular malformation when he committed the act, hospital officials said Friday. "We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case," said Sorin Oprescu, head of the Bucharest emergency hospital where the operation took place. Doctor Ciomu had been banned from entering an operating theatre for two months pending the results of an investigation by the medical council, Oprescu said. Meanwhile the wife of the unfortunate patient said she was suing Dr. Ciomu.
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Friday, July 16, 2004
 
MORE LAUGHABLE QUOTES

There are many other people who have gone to prison. Nelson Mandela-27 years in prison.

Martha Stewart
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ELECTION DAY SURPRISE?

James Ridgeway gives us a run-down of Wayne Madsen's idea of how President Bush may play out election day if things look bad:

  • If, on November 2, Kerry is ahead in key battleground states, then Bush
    will announce an imminent terrorist threat in California and maybe
    Washington state.

  • By 5 p.m. EST (2 p.m. on the Pacific Coast), Bush HQ will know
    whether Kentucky and Indiana—key states—are lost. If it looks like they
    are going down the drain, then the White House will flash the go-ahead,
    and the U.S. Northern Command (which has military jurisdiction over the
    U.S.) will, along with the Homeland Security Department and California authorities, declare an imminent terrorist threat.

  • Polls will remain open, but everyone will be trying to get out of
    urban centers as fast as they can. Traffic jams will cause panic and
    make people change their plans to vote after work. "A number of
    working-class voters in urban centers," Madsen theorizes, "will either
    be caught up in California's infamous freeway traffic and be too late
    to get to their polling places or be more concerned about their
    families and avoid voting altogether."

  • The people mostly likely thrown off balance who will decide not to
    vote will be middle- and low-income Californians—the Democratic base.
    Well-to-do voters (Republicans, more often than not) will likely have
    cast their ballots early.

  • By reducing the turnout among urban Democrats, Bush HQ will thus be
    manipulating the state's 54 votes into the Republican column. If things
    get worse for Bush as the Eastern vote comes in, the "terrorist alert"
    can be expanded to Washington state, where panicky rush-hour traffic
    jams in cities like Seattle can reduce the Democratic vote there, too.

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    LAUGHABLE QUOTES

    What was a small personal matter came over the - became over the last
    two years an almost fatal circus event of unprecedented proportions.
    I
    have been choked and almost suffocated to death during that time, all
    the while more concerned about the well-being of others than for
    myself, more hurt for them and for their losses than for my own, more
    worried for their futures than the future of Martha Stewart the person.

    Martha Stewart

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    PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

    JAY LENO

    It was so hot today, executives from the NAACP tried to meet with President
    Bush just so they could get the cold shoulder.

    In fact it was so hot today, Bush said, ‘That's it. We may have to postpone the presidential election.’

    Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the
    longest serving president never to get elected.

    In speeches around the country, President Bush is now talking about his intelligence failures. He said he's enjoying it. He said it makes him feel like he's back in school.

    Here's something shocking according to the latest issue of Newsweek magazine: The Bush administration officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know, like Kerry winning.

    I love that the Department of Homeland Security always tells Americans if you don't fly commercial airlines, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't hold the Super Bowl or the World Series, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't get out to the mall and do your Christmas shopping, 'the terrorists have won.' Comes time for the election, 'Oh, let the terrorists have that one.’

    Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter's hearts but Cheney is looking for a donor.

    A Ukrainian man has won that country's super lotto. Not even the regular lotto, super lotto jackpot. Second time in nine months. Experts say it's almost mathematically impossible for one man to be that lucky twice. Which [is], of course, more bad news for President Bush.

    President Reagan's son, Ron Reagan Jr., is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. But President Bush said today he is not worried. He said, ‘Hey, who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?’

    The Pentagon says that some of President Bush's military records have been lost and destroyed. That is so unfair. Do you realize he could've been the greatest National Guardsman of all time? Now, we'll never know.

    After seven years, CIA Director George Tenet officially resigned as of yesterday. Stepped down officially as of yesterday. His final words of advice to the CIA, he told them, ‘Hey, keep an eye out for that bin Laden fellow. He could be trouble.’

    One of Osama bin Laden's chief confidants turned himself in to Saudi Arabian officials yesterday ... He's confined to a wheelchair due to injuries he sustained 10 years ago while fighting in Bosnia and Chechnya. How is it we know more about this guy's military background than we do our own president's? How come his records are still on file and Bush's are not?

    It's believed that he may know where Osama is. And today, President Bush told him, 'Don't give it away! We want it to be a surprise in November.'

    Florida officials have announced that this November they will allow felons to vote. You thought Bush stole the election last time. Now he'll be working with pros!

    A defiant George W. Bush intends to serve two terms in the White House ... Al Gore's and then his.

    A top aide to Osama bin Laden surrendered today. Did you see the pictures? The guy is in a wheelchair. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism is not going that great. When it takes us three years to catch a guy who can't walk.

    There's talk that Vice President Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There's a good move; lose the smart guy.

    John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location.

    The Bush twins are in the August issue of Vogue magazine and they look beautiful. They have these beautiful gowns on. They look very, very nice. The girls said they talked about their father, they said President Bush is an avid teaser of their boyfriends. President Bush likes to tease their boyfriends when they come over. And after he's done teasing them, he has Donald Rumsfeld torture them.

    The nation's top election official said the United States will not cancel or
    postpone the presidential election because of a terrorist attack. He said if there's a problem the Supreme Court will reappoint president Bush immediately rather than waiting two months like they did last time.

    Don't you love it when politicians talk about the sanctity of traditional marriage? You know what we should do, let their ex-wives talk, too!

    You know what President Bush and Martha Stewart have in common? They're both afraid of a long sentence!

    Remember Britney Spears' ex-husband, that Jason Alexander guy, the one she married for like 55 hours? Well, he's now speaking out about the annulment. He said he didn't know what he was signing because his father wasn't in the room when he signed it. Same thing Bush said when he joined the National Guard.

    DAVID LETTERMAN

    Maybe can you tell from looking at me, I'm a little worried about tonight's show. We have a great show, according to the CIA.

    The Bush administration may postpone the November election if there's a terrorist attack. If there's a terrorist attack, they may postpone the election. Or, they'll postpone it if there's scattered showers.

    President George Bush is very excited to be coming here for the (Republican National) Convention because he's absolutely certain when he comes here, he'll have no trouble finding weapons of mass destruction.

    While they're here, they're going to take a visit to Grant's Tomb to see what a two-term Republican looks like.

    The Republicans say they don't want the terrorists to determine the election. That's what Republicans are saying, we don't want the terrorists to determine election. No, they want the Governor of Florida to determine the election.

    George Bush has the two twin daughters, and Jenna Bush is moving to New York City. Did you realize that? Yeah. She'll be searching for margaritas of mass destruction.

    Top Ten Signs Bush Might Be Getting Ready To Dump Cheney

    10. Cheney's official white house parking space is now in West Virginia

    9. Latest bumper stickers read: "vote for Bush and (to be
    determined)"

    8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket

    7. Cheney's been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings

    6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed

    5. Cheney's new I.D. card reads "valid through next Tuesday"

    4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney's undisclosed location

    3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, "boo!"

    2. As with all major decisions, he's asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President

    1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle's number

    CRAIG KILBORN

    John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate. What a contrast to Dick Cheney. John Edwards is charismatic, he's confident, he's charming. And Cheney spent the weekend going, 'You want to see my scar?’

    Now trailing in the polls, President Bush unveiled some new weapons today: his daughters Barbara and Jenna, who have hit the campaign trail with their dad for the first time. In a recent interview, Jenna Bush says she's 'not political' and the electoral process doesn't interest her. Oh, she's daddy's little girl.

    Pollsters say the strategy is very effective: One daughter distracts us from
    the economy while the other distracts us from the war in Iraq. Barbara just graduated from Yale, and plans to work in the pediatric AIDS program at Baylor University...until her Dad cuts off the funding.

    After making obscene comments at a fund-raiser, Whoopi Goldberg was fired as a Slim-Fast spokesperson ... and hired to write for Dick Cheney.
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    Thursday, July 15, 2004
     
    WRONG AGAIN

    Despite my prediction to the contrary, early reports are that Yoko Ono will stay with the Los Angeles Lakers.
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    AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY

    A 28-year-old man who shot himself in the testicles with a sawn-off shotgun has been jailed for five years for possessing a prohibited firearm. David Walker had drunk 15 pints of lager when he accidentally discharged the gun which was stuffed down his trousers, Sheffield Crown Court was told. Walker underwent emergency surgery following the incident in Dinnington, South Yorks, and tests are continuing to find out how it will affect his fertility and future sexual relationships. Andrew Hatton, prosecuting, said Walker went home for the gun after arguing with a friend about whose turn it was to buy beer. By the time he returned the bar was closed and his friend had gone home. Mr Hatton said: "As he was returning to the area of the pub the gun went off. He had it shoved down his trousers. After the shotgun had discharged he placed it in a rubbish bin and crawled back to his home address." Walker told police he was so drunk he had no idea how he managed to shoot himself. The defendent's mother found him at home and took him to hospital, where doctors called the police.
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    Wednesday, July 14, 2004
     
    LAKERS OR CLIPPERS?

    NBA free agent Yoko Ono is expected to announce what team he will play with tomorrow (barring a Colorado prison team), and by most accounts the choice comes down to the Los Angeles Lakers or the Los Angeles Clippers.

    Well, considering that Yoko isn't exactly on a first name basis with the word 'loyalty' (ask his wife), I'm going to put a sawbuck on the Clippers. If I'm right, the Lakers will have nobody to blame but themselves (this means you Jerry) for the lousy product they will trot out next season.

    Of course, I've been wrong before.
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    THE LETTERS OF GOD AND THE PRESIDENT

    Yesterday, God wrote to President George W. Bush.

    Today, President Bush wrote back.
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    THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS

    Once again Toronto has made the most compelling bid to host the Rock Paper Scissors World Championships. The event will take place on Saturday, October 16th, 2004 in Toronto, Canada. Tickets will go on sale online in early August, and in what is obviously good news for all RPS enthusiasts, the Rock Paper Scissors World Championship site has been updated with the details on this year's event. By the way, keep in mind that The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide will be available for purchase in bookstores across North America on October 12th, 2004, so you will only have four days to brush up on the latest tactics and strategies before the event.

    Naturally, it will take a 'hand of steel' to replace Rob Krueger as the reigning RPS World Champion. As most of you will recall, Krueger, playing for Legion of the Red Fist, won a wild best of 5 series over Marc Rigaux, playing for Fist Full of Sneer, at last year's Championships. Using the stunning Paper, Kreuger overcame an opening round loss only to win rounds 2,3 and 5 and is the favorite for this year.

    Good Luck all!
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    WORDS OF WISDOM

    The constitutional amendment (Gay Marriage) we're debating today strikes me as antithetical in every way to the core philosophy of Republicans. It usurps from the states a fundamental authority they have always possessed and imposes a federal remedy for a problem that most states do not believe confronts them.
    Senator John McCain, July 13, 2004
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    Tuesday, July 13, 2004
     
    TEN THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN WATCH BASEBALL'S ALL STAR GAME

    10) Undergo a root canal by an epileptic dentist.

    9) French kiss Lynne Cheney.

    8) Give Matt Welch a pedicure.

    7) Watch every episode of Method & Red.

    6) Read a years worth of The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.

    5) Spend a week in Abu Ghraib prison wearing a t-shirt that says 'Osama Rules!'

    4) Explain to a jumpy heroin addict that I flushed his stash down the toilet.

    3) Slap Tony Soprano in the face.

    2) Listen to all of Britney Spears' albums.

    1) Vote for George W. Bush.
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    Monday, July 12, 2004
     
    WHICH RECENT PRESIDENT ARE YOU?

    The final quiz of the day.

    I was told:

    HASH(0x88b5a6c)
    You are Bill Clinton. You know everything and are
    not shy about explaining things to your fellow
    man in great detail just prior to hitting on
    his wife.


    Which Recent President Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

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    READY FOR YOUR MID-TERM?

    South Knox Bubba has a quiz for you. Put on your thinking cap and grab a number two pencil.
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    RON, YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU'VE DONE

    I have a feeling that Ron Reagan is about to find out how mean and vicious the right wing can be. By agreeing to speak at the Democratic Convention, the son of the former president has just opened himself up to the Republican smear machine.
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    REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD. REALLY COLD.

    Man Sentenced For Impersonating Ex In Sex Chat Room

    A Virginia man is going to prison for playing an Internet dirty trick on his ex-wife. Prosecutors charged that Anthony Lee Napier posed as his ex in Internet chat rooms -- looking for sex partners. Napier -- impersonating his former wife -- gave out her address and phone number and said she would play dumb when the men called but still wanted sex. Napier pleaded guilty in April to two felony counts and three misdemeanor charges. This week he was sentenced to two years in prison and another 10 on supervised probation.
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    HEADLINES THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH AND THINK

    Teen Hookers Spark Sex Price War In Auckland
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    MIKE DITKA FOR SENATE?-PART TWO

    Last week we got the news that Illinois Republicans were trying to draft former Bears coach Mike Ditka as their candidate for the Senate. This week we learn that if Ditka were to run, his wife would divorce him.
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    DAMN YOU QUIZILLA!

    Porn freak Nichole, over at Passenger Pachyderms, is back and turned me on to a new Quizilla quiz:

    What childhood toy from the 80s are you?

    While Nichole is the very cool GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip, I am embarrassed to admit that I am:

    speak and spell
    You're a Speak & Spell!! You nerd, you. Just
    because you were disguised as a toy doesn't
    mean you weren't educational, you sneaky
    bastard.


    What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    I demand a recount!
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    Sunday, July 11, 2004
     
    IT'S OFFICIAL: KOBE BRYANT IS THE NEW YOKO ONO

    Now that Shaq has been jettisoned to Miami for a whole lot of nothing, the Los Angeles Lakers can now look forward to those late season charges to try and make the playoffs. LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke points out that this will be the precise day the Lakers went from perrenial power to flat out ordinary.

    By the way, how funny would it be if the Lakers' new GM, Kobe Bryant, signs elsewhere or ends up doing a stretch in the Graystone Hotel?

    So, this is what it's like to be a Clippers fan, huh?
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