Berry's World
Friday, July 30, 2004
 
COCK GAMES IN THE GAMECOCK STATE

State Agriculture Commissioner Charles Sharpe (R-SC) was indicted Thursday on 14 federal felony corruption charges for allegedly accepting at least $20,000 in bribes to help protect the state's illegal cockfighting games from avoiding prosecution by his and other agencies. SharpeUS Attorney J. Strom Thurmond Jr. said that an undercover officer made recordings of meetings Sharpe had with the cockfighting organizers and local law enforcement officers in which Sharpe told the police officers that the activities were legal by both his determination and an opinion from the Attorney General's office. Thurmond said the AG Opinion was "a fake." Governor Mark Sanford (R) immediately suspended Sharpe and began the search for an interim replacement. Sharpe, 65, immediately surrendered himself in federal court, entered a plea of not guilty, and posted a $100,000 bond. If convicted of the extortion and money laundering charges, Sharpe faces up to 20 years in prison on each of the main felony counts. A former state legislator, Sharpe was first elected Ag Commissioner in 2002.
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PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JAY LENO

The Los Alamos National Laboratory, where research is done on all the nuclear weapons, they are reporting they are missing two computer disks with sensitive weapons information on them. Two of the disks are missing. How embarrassing is that? Now we can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction.

And Bob Dole, God bless him, 81 years old today. Happy birthday to Bob Dole. Now if you don't remember Bob, he's the Republican who got the least amount of vote for president and didn't get the job.

Well, the 9/11 Commission report came out yesterday. President Bush said he is not going to read the report. He's going to wait for the books on tape version.

It's now being reported that John Edwards' younger brother, Wesley, turned himself in to the state of Colorado for a warrant relating to a 1993 DUI arrest ... This proves Edwards is presidential. Have you noticed that most presidents have embarrassing brothers? Bill Clinton had Roger Clinton; Jimmy Carter had his brother, Billy Carter. You know the embarrassing brother in the Bush family? George.

According to a poll in Time magazine, 53 percent of people say it's time for someone else to be president. The other 47 percent said they were happy with Dick Cheney.

I guess President Bush asked Lance (Armstrong) if he would be back next year, and Lance said he didn't know. And Bush said, ‘I know how you feel.’

The 9/11 Commission report was released last week. 575 pages long. And President Bush said today he was surprised to find out it was a true story.

Last week, President Bush
spoke to the National Urban League council. See, I hate it when politicians speak to civil rights groups because they always try a little too hard, you know? Like Bush told the group he'd like to see more people owning their own crib.

The Democrats kept mentioning
that John Kerry is a decorated war hero, but did you know that Dick Cheney has a purple heart. Did you know that? It's from eating steaks, not from the military, but hey!

Now that the Democratic convention
is over, the Republicans are getting ready for theirs. Their slogan for Bush: Four more wars, four more wars!

Did you hear President Clinton's speech Monday? I thought it was great. He gave a great speech. It was really good, really good very inspiring. But I tell you, you know what it did? It made me kind of nostalgic, you know? I reminded me of a time in this country when presidents could actually talk. Remember?

Last night, Illinois senatorial candidate Barack Obama, he's the new rising star of the Democratic Party, he gave the keynote address at the Democratic convention. When they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said, ‘Isn't that the guy we can't find? Why don't we grab him?’

Have you heard about this new movie, The Manchurian Candidate? Supposedly very scary. A very scary movie. It's about a President who gets a chip implanted in his head while he's in the military and people can tell him to do whatever they want. Today, Dick Cheney said, ‘Shut up, you are ruining everything!’

DAVID LETTERMAN

Security's going to be tight at the Republican convention. You'll be frisked, patted down, you'll be groped -- and that's just by Arnold.

Lance Armstrong won the sixth consecutive big bike race over there, the Tour de France. And it's a huge thing, and after the victory, President Bush called him to congratulate him on being the first man to walk on the moon.

CRAIG KILBORN

As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
 
TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL

Why don't they get new jobs if they're unhappy -- or go on Prozac?
Susan Sheybani, assistant to Bush campaign spokesman Terry Holt
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HOW TO LOSE A BASEBALL GAME, BY VLADIMIR GUERRERO

The Anaheim Angels lost a game tonight that they probably should have lost, but also should have won. Facing the beleaguered Seattle Mariners, the Halos fell behind 5-0, and things looked bleak. However, the Angels chipped away, and Bengie Molina hit a two run dinger in the bottom of the 9th to tie the score at 5.

Still tied in the bottom of the 12th, Garrett Anderson led off with a single bringing up Vladimir Guerrero. Vlad The Impaler promptly singled to center moving Anderson to third with nobody out. However, in a completely inexplicable and inexcusable move, Guerrero rounded first and was picked off by the throw from centerfielder Randy Winn.

The rest of the inning was predictable. An intentional walk, a pop up and a strike out, and the game moves to the 13th. Naturally, the Mariners scored in the top of the 13th and the Angels get beat 6-5.

With the Angels 3 1/2 games out of first, every game counts. And come October, if they find themselves out of the playoffs, tonight's game will surely haunt them.

Sleep well, Vlad.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
 
A NEW LOW

Steve Brozak, congressional candidate from New Jersey, was the opening speaker at the Democratic Convention, and he was, by far, the worst public speaker in the history of public speaking.

Not a great start to the evening.
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ANOTHER REASON TO BE AN ANTI-DENTITE

Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients' Mouths

Former employees of a dentist claim the man made female patients unwittingly swallow his semen during visits to his office in Cornelius. Dr. John Hall is accused by the state dental board of violating dentistry's standard of care, engaging in immoral conduct, and committing sexual assault or battery. Six former patients -- including a 14-year-old -- say he tricked them into swallowing his semen. A seventh claims he jumped on top of her in the dental chair and "began to gyrate against her lower body in a sexual manner." The dental board suspended Hall's license Nov. 5, after police began investigating allegations by two former employees. In February, it conditionally restored his license, barring him from being alone with female patients.
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FUNNY STUFF

It's quite clear that Nichole, at Passenger Pachyderms, has a much more exciting home life than I do. Thank the Gods she tells us about it.
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CAN WE SEND TRUMP OR CUBAN OVER?

Iraq gets its own reality show.
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
 
PRESIDENT OBAMA?

After watching Illinois Senate candidate Barack Obama give the keynote address at the Democratic Convention, the only question I could think of was not if he would run for president, but when he would run for president.

I also wondered by how much he would win.

UPDATE: I am not alone.
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WOW, MAYBE I WAS WRONG

Listening to Senator Tom Daschle speak at the convention, I could have almost sworn he was a Democrat.
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FINALLY, A DISAPPOINTING SPEECH

After being very impressed with every Democratic Convention speaker last night, I suppose it was inevitable that I would be disappointed with a speech tonight, but I would never have guessed it would come from Senator Edward Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy, while often rambling, seemed to be rushing for the next applause line, yet when he got there didn't seem to know what to do with it. Either he stopped, waiting for applause that never appeared, or stepped on the applause when it did.

Overall, I liked the song, but felt the singer didn't have his best day.
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Monday, July 26, 2004
 
A DANDY LITTLE DITTY

I've been listening to the songs from Election Day USA, and one, David Rovics' Operation Iraqi Liberation is a catchy little country tune that I find myself playing all the time. Here are the lyrics:

We've got a situation and it calls for a solution
That upholds our domination of the planet
We're gonna make our peace and we're gonna make it well
And if you don't like our logic you can can it

We'll use impeccable intelligence from any country in the world
As long as we all see eye to eye
And if we don't find quite what we need, we know what to do
Just look into the camera and lie

It's Operation Iraqi Liberation
Tell me, what does that spell
Operation Iraqi Liberation
O-I-L

We'll lie about the missles and the nuclear research
We'll lie about uranium
We'll build military bases and smile for reporters
As we give away bubble gum

We'll lie about bin Laden, his connections with the Saudis
We'll lie about nine one one
We'll lie about the Baathists, their connection to al Qaeda
Because we know there's none

It's Operation Iraqi Liberation
Tell me, what does that spell
Operation Iraqi Liberation
O-I-L

We'll lie about the North Koreans, and we'll lie about Iran
And don't mention Israel
Keep those nuclear weapons out of this song
And we'll all get together swell

And we'll liberate these people, and we'll liberate their money
We'll liberate their soil
We'll liberate their airports, we'll liberate their harbors
And we'll liberate their oil

It's Operation Iraqi Liberation
Tell me, what does that spell
Operation Iraqi Liberation
O-I-L

It's Operation Iraqi Liberation
Tell me, what does that spell
Operation Iraqi Liberation
O-I-L


It's really a cool song. Give it a listen. Like a beer at the Delta House, it don't cost nothin'.
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WHAT'S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY?

Flipping through the channels, I accidentally ran into the syndicated version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and it is College Week. A guy named Christopher, who was wearing a Queens College sweatshirt, gets this opening question:

How many bottles are there in a case of beer?

And he didn't know! He had to get help from the audience. Good Lord, we'd have laughed that sorry Nancy-boy out of our fraternity for general principles.
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AND THE WINNER IS...

After watching the speeches at the Democratic Convention tonight, I think the best speech came from former Vice President Al Gore.
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Ten Things You Don’t Know About Our Dad

By Alex and Vanessa Kerry

10. He believes chocolate-chip cookies are one of the four food groups.
9. He wears Hawaiian shorts over a wetsuit and swears it's the style
8. He used to be mistaken for a Beatle
7. We weren't allowed to go on dates unless we had a two-thirds house majority
6. He can play the ‘Star Wars’ theme song on his bass guitar
5. He rarely needs caffeine (his kids are another matter)
4. He thinks he speaks Italian—but it is mostly menu items
3. He is better versed on pop culture than his kids
2. He believes chocolate-chip ice cream is the second food group
1. He once owned a beat-up taxi that he and a friend named Baxter
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IT MUST BE IN HIS BLOOD

Scott McClellan just can't help himself. Here's a question and answer from the highly popular Ask Scott McClellan feature from the White House website:

Q: Kyle from Atlanta, Georgia:
Scott, You do a great job at your news conferences. I was wondering if you could tell me who April and Les(Don't know their last names) work for. Keep up the good work for the President! Kyle

A: Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary:
Kyle, I appreciate your kind words and your support for the President and his agenda. April Ryan is the White House correspondent for American Urban Radio Network, and Les Kinsolving hosts his own radio talk show which is broadcast in Baltimore.

Yeah, Scott, that was quite strong endorsement of President Bush's agenda.
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TERESA HEINZ KERRY IS GROWING ON ME

You said something I didn't say. Now shove it.
Mrs. Kerry to a Pittsburgh reporter
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