Berry's World
Saturday, August 14, 2004
 
WHAT THE...

Synchronized Diving?

What genius came up with this?
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REVENGE SERVED COLD

A jilted boyfriend put a video on the Internet of himself and his former girlfriend having sex, in a revenge attack on his ex. Paul Clarke posted the lewd footage on the Web after his bitter split from Cara Whitehouse, a court was told. Business cards with the website address were handed out at her 21st birthday party, to her neighbours and at her workplace.
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AND IT'S KERRY WHO'S THE FLIP-FLOPPER

The Oval Office is a powerful place. It's the kind of place where my mother walks in and feels so overwhelmed, she won't tell me what to do.
President Bush, August 10th, Niceville Florida

The Oval Office is a powerful place. It's -- you know, people walk in and just get overwhelmed by the majesty of this shrine to democracy. I do, on a daily basis. And the only person I know that didn't was my mother, who walked in and continued to tell me what to do.
President Bush, August 12th, Las Vegas, Nevada
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Friday, August 13, 2004
 
A POLITICAL ENDORSEMENT

While regular readers know that here in Berry's World, I tend to keep my political views to myself, today I'm going to make an exception. My friend and fellow Democrat, Nathan Rudy, is running for Somerset (N.J.) County Freeholder and could use a little financial help.

The Rudy for Freeholder campaign is holding a fundraising drive called "A Thousand Fifties", and are asking for a thousand people to donate just fifty dollars in the fifty days. Please, take a second to look over his ideas, and if you can donate $50, you'll be helping out a good candidate.

Now, I do understand that money is tight, so if you can't donate to the Rudy for Freeholder campaign, at least move to New Jersey, register to vote, and pull the lever for Rudy. You'll be glad you did.
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PLEASE TIP YOUR WAITRESSES

JAY LENO

Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish. What a country we live in!

President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. Voters in Florida said, 'Hey, we never sent you in the first place. That was the Supreme Court!’

The American Bar Association condemned the Bush administration's handling of foreign dissidents, calling it 'abusive' and 'arrogant.' When told about the ABA's comments, President Bush said, 'Hey, why do I care what a bunch of basketball players think anyway?’

Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he will not be attending the Republican convention. Uuhh oooh. So I guess they're going to have to find another black guy.

This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man.

First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'

In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Carey or Gary Coleman.

President Bush said that it doesn't make sense to raise taxes on the rich because the really rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. And then Dick Cheney elbowed him and said, 'Will you shut up!'

John Kerry has also proposed his 10-year plan for energy independence. President Bush said, 'It's not going to take that long to get all the oil from Iraq.'

Alan Keyes has taken his first step in his race for the Senate in Illinois. Today he found it on the map.

CRAIG KILBORN

(Enjoy these, as Kilborn is out the door next month.)

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.’

President Bush officially made his nomination for Director of the CIA: Republican Porter Goss from Florida, who is an ex-CIA agent himself. A bad sign: The potential new head of the CIA said the nomination came as a complete surprise.

Goss was chosen after Bush's inner circle repeatedly rejected his first choice, Chuck Norris.

Experts say it will be impossible for Goss to fill George Tenet's shoes and he'll have to settle for being totally wrong just 80 percent of the time.

This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man.
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Thursday, August 12, 2004
 
TODAY'S POLITICAL RIDDLES

Q: What's the difference between Alan Keyes and a parrot?

A: One's loud, annoying, colorful, and says a lot of things that don't make sense, and the other's a bird.


Q: What's the difference between Alan Keyes and the Hindenburg?

A: One's a flaming bag of hot gas, and the other's a dirigible


Q: What does Alan Keyes' ego have in common with the Great Wall of China?

A: Both are man-made creations that can be seen from space.


Q: What's the difference between Alan Keyes and a U-Haul truck?

A: Neither costs that much to rent round-trip.
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REPUBLICANS TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

A group financed by a major Republican contributor has begun running radio ads in about a dozen cities, many in battleground states, attacking Sen. John F. Kerry as "rich, white and wishy-washy" and mocking his wife for boasting of her African roots.
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OH, REALLY?

I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified.

---Porter Goss, President Bush's nominee for CIA director, to documentary-maker Michael Moore's production company during the filming of the movie Fahrenheit 9/11.
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004
 
A REAL BARN BURNER

A new WBBM-TV/SurveyUSA poll was released Tuesday on the open Illinois US Senate race showing Barack Obama with a slight lead over Alan Keyes.

Official results:
Barack Obama (D) - 67%
Alan Keyes (R) - 28%.

It looks like nobody, and I mean nobody, can prevent Keyes from continuing his string of losing elections.
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
 
HE'LL STAND UP TO TERRORISTS, RIGHT?

President Bush has nominated U.S. Rep. Porter Goss to lead the CIA, which must strike fear in the hearts of terrorists everywhere. Unless, of course, you happen to remember this passage from Gail Sheehy's story about the four moms who tried to get info about the 9-11 attacks:

The four moms—Kristen Breitweiser, Patty Casazza, Mindy Kleinberg and Lorie van Auken—use tactics more like those of a leaderless cell. They have learned how to deposit their assorted seven children with select grandmothers before dawn and rocket down the Garden State Parkway to Washington. They have become experts at changing out of pedal-pushers and into proper pantsuits while their S.U.V. is stopped in traffic, so they can hit the Capitol rotunda running. They have talked strategy with Senator John McCain and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. They once caught Congressman Porter Goss hiding behind his office door to avoid them. (Bold: mine.)

A proud day for the CIA, indeed.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANS?

Bush is making America look and feel very horrible around the world. He doesn't represent the heart of America. He represents another part of the anatomy but not the heart.

rock guitarist Carlos Santana, in Billboard
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MORE DOLLARS THAN SENSE

This actual item is actually for sale on eBay:

Napkin with sweat from Ambassador Alan Keyes' forehead
Blotted from Keyes' brow at Senate announcement 8-8-04


Own a part of American history; own the napkin containing sweat from Ambassador Alan Keyes' forehead, immediately following Alan Keyes' historic announcement that he agreed to replace Jack Ryan as the Republican candidate for U. S. Senate in Illinois to take on Democrat Barak Obama.

GOP Senatorial Candidate Keyes was sweating profusely after his stem-winder speech and the sweat was collected from a napkin at approximately 3:02 pm Central Time just outside the Wellington Restaurant in Arlington Heights, Illinois, under the watchful eye of multiple news reporters including multiple television cameras.

Many at the Keyes event are calling for Lincoln-Douglas style debates between the first match up of two African-American Senatorial candidates in the history of United States elections.

Current plans are to donate proceeds from this sale to the Keyes for Senate campaign, pending a legal opinion. Due to Federal Election Campaign Laws, we might have to stop the bidding at $999.99 to avoid having to form a political fundraising committee. This sale is on behalf of an individual Alan Keyes supporter but not affiliated directly with the Keyes' campaign.


The current high bid?

$465.00

Seriously.
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Monday, August 09, 2004
 
I'M NOT SURE THAT WILL HELP THINGS

A 70-year-old Moroccan man, protesting his wife's long refusal to have sex with him, cut off his own penis.

"He didn't bring his penis with him. He has left the hospital well, but without his penis," a doctor from the Ibn Toufail hospital said.

If he thought she wouldn't have sex with him before...
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THE MAGIC NUMBER

Updating the wager between Berry's World and Uncle Hornhead, with the first season of The West Wing on dvd's hanging in the balance, the Anaheim Angels have opened what some folks are calling an insurmountable 3-game lead over the Philadelphia Phillies. The magic number now stands at 49, meaning any combination of 49 wins by the Angels and losses by the Phillies will result in President Bartlett & company coming west.
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Sunday, August 08, 2004
 
THE HERO-IN-ERROR WILL SOON BE IN CUSTODY

The self-described 'hero in error', Ahmad Chalabi, now has an Iraqi arrest warrant hanging over his head.

That brightened up my Sunday.
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